“Wick” appears in St. Lucia’s Voice Newspaper every weekend
I know this man who lives to gamble. Lotto, Lucky 3, Play Whe, Scratch, name it, he’s game. All day he studies random occurrences looking for signs from which he derives numbers to play. “I don’t rely on luck. The universe speaks to me and I make sure I listen,” he said to me. Ummm…well, okay Mr. Man. But you’re still in luck because the universe gave me some numbers for you this Wick. If you win anything, don’t forget me eh. Bonne Chance!
- Play 55 or 60: Alphonsus “Arrow” Cassell, who sang the popular soca “Hot Hot Hot,” passed away this week. Some media reported his year of birth as 1954, others as 1949.
- The number 200 is sacred, so play it: Members of a church in the US had pledged that when the membership grew to 200, they would all get tattoos of the church logo. They’re at that point now.
- 6 may be too little: A day care attendant received a 6-month sentence for drugging kids with diet supplements, in order to get them to sleep.
- 1 is small but powerful: A man is suing a grocery store claiming that he found 1 used tampon in his box of cereal.
- Don’t play 60: A British woman found herself to be the 60th known person with foreign accent syndrome. She woke up with a French accent after suffering from a serious migraine.
- 165 is unlucky: A human rights group in Korea is challenging a matching making agency’s discriminatory action. The agency rejects the application of short men (i.e. men shorter than 165 centimeters/ 5 feet, five inches), on the basis that women prefer taller men.
- 13 is not unlucky this time: In November, Obama will release a children’s book; it pays tribute to 13 “groundbreaking Americans and the ideals that have shaped” the US.
- You might lose by 2: British researchers found that individuals lose 2 close friends every time they start a new relationship.
- Definitely don’t play 18: A Japanese teacher is in trouble with the education board for her approach during a math lesson. She asked the kids to calculate the number of days it would take to kill 18 kids if three kids were killed each day.
10. Play the full 100: New Zealand merchants are selling fake urine to allow employees to pass drug tests at their workplaces. They boast that this pee has a 100% pass rate.
11. Play by the book, 84 : An 11 year old cow has found itself in the Guinness World Records book as the world’s smallest cow at 33.5 inches (84 centimeters).
12. 19 might not be enough to win: Cuba claims that the embargo has worsened under Obama and the Cuban government has suggested 19 steps to soften this embargo.
13. 17 won’t guarantee a win: A British teenager will never ever be able to enter the US because he sent an abusive email to Obama.
14. Derive what you will from 43.7: The US reports the highest rate of poverty on record; 43.7 million Americans fall below the poverty line.
15. 260 might be too large to play: A 260-pound French woman suffered from a kidney infection, but her size made normal kidney removal surgery quite risky; therefore the doctors removed the kidney through her vagina.
16. 12 could change everything: In a new reality show “Bridalplasty”, 12 engaged women will compete to win plastic surgery procedures for a big reveal on their wedding day. The groom will see the transformation for the first time at the altar.
17. The blue ball might not fall at 73: The 73 year old Italian prime minister admitted to an audience, “Women are lining up to marry me, because I’m a nice guy, because I’m loaded, because I know how to deal with women.”
18. Don’t go for only 500,000: Jamaican Vybz Kartel stars in a new sex tape and he could make up to US$ 500,000 if he accepts a porn company’s deal.
19. Go for 15 million: A young Australian with an estimated worth of $15 million dreams of working at fast-food joint McDonald’s; however his application was rejected.
Consider yourselves up to speed….
What does ‘normal’ mean to you on this day in 2010? Sometimes I come across news items and I question my definition of normalcy, but only after I pick my jaw up off the floor (I can’t concentrate in an untidy workspace). Yes, I am aware that I may in fact be the abnormal one –I eh saying no — but I still wonder, ‘Is that normal?’
- “I was wearing what we would normally see at Trinidad and Tobago Carnival… pasties and body-paint art,” declared Ms. TnT Universe in response to the brouhaha over her topless photos.
- The impoverished North Korea hopes to settle the $10 million owing to the Czech Republic for equipment acquired during the Cold war; the Koreans are offering the aphrodisiac ginseng in lieu of cash.
- A health inspector in the US fined a restaurant after viewing a video of the chef in the restaurant’s kitchen. In the video the chef kissed and licked two toads, put them into his mouth and back onto the table where he was preparing patrons’ food.
- Wyclef Jean’s major plan for earthquake ravaged Haiti – govern in English and Creole, not the traditional Creole and French. Wyclef does not speak French and his Creole has been described as ‘rusty’.
- An American man will face jail time for faking seizures to avoid paying restaurant bills. His elaborate schemes always concluded with him receiving medical attention.
- In the US, doctors finally found the cause of a man’s breathing difficulties. Apparently there was a plant growing in his lung; it had sprouted from an inhaled pea.
- A Corfu native, desperate to secure a permanent job as a firefighter, resorted to secretly starting fires throughout the island and quelling them himself in the most heroic fashion.
- Turkish Airlines suspended 28 overweight flight attendants. The airline gave them six months to get in shape or else…
- In the US, four sisters gave birth to four babies within a four-day period.
10. An Indian man faces charges for selling his daughter for US$21 to purchase alcohol.
11. In Hong Kong, production has started on the world’s first 3D pornographic film. The estimated cost of production – US$3.2 million.
12. 50% of American women and 25% of the men would admittedly choose being skinny over having sex this summer, if presented with the options.
13. The Nepalese zoo set up a special “honeymoon suite” at the zoo to encourage the endangered one-horned rhinos to mate and most importantly breed.
14. In the UK, workers hired to paint yellow lines on the road, painted over a dead hedgehog instead of removing it from the road.
15. A US judge denied a man’s appeal to legally change his name to ‘Boomer The Dog’.
16. In Switzerland a speeding ticket is calculated based on the individual’s salary and actual speed over the limit. A wealthy Swede will pay the world’s largest fine to date (£650,000) for driving at 185 mph.
17. 36 Nepalese are awaiting the verdict after being accused of killing 7 farmers in a battle over the plant referred to as the ‘Himalayan Viagra’.
18. Badman nuh wear G-string but he gets to keep a diary? One of Dudus’ top lieutenants was killed in Jamaica this week, and a diary detailing his activities and respect for his boss, Dudus Coke, was found on his person.
19. “The prisoners were being supervised at the time of the escape but there were armed persons on the outside perimeter who apparently sent a fence cutter to them and they able to make their way out, in view of wardens who are not armed,” St. Lucia’s National Security Minister reported after the jail break there.
Consider yourselves up to speed…
“Didn’t you get the memo?” takes on a whole new meaning when uttered by an eye and neck rolling not-so-smart aleck. I had the displeasure of witnessing an outta place cashier ask this of a paying customer yesterday, and Ms. Thang should have gotten a memo— Re: Check yourself…outta here!
While I’m on the topic of memos, here are 19 others you should have gotten this week (and I mean that in the nicest, non-smart-aleckish kind of way).
- Re: Fu-Gee-La. “The United States has Obama, here you’re going to have Wyclef,” a self-assured Jean commented after officially launching his bid for the Haitian Presidency.
- Re: Regional domination. Latin America and the Caribbean boast the highest rates of non-communicable and lifestyle diseases in the world.
- Re: Ensuring staff compliance. In the US, a thief called a fast-food restaurant twice to complain about the meager amount he’d secured from the robbing the said establishment. He advised the staff, ” Next time there better be more than $586.”
- Re: Effective color-coding. Researchers have established that women found men attired in red very attractive.
- Re: No positions available: The British government has banned employment agencies from facilitating employment for strippers and other sex industry workers.
- Re: Team builders. North Korea’s football coach has been handed his punishment for his team’s wanting performance at the World Cup — he will work as a builder.
- Re: Making connections. Antiguans are concerned that the use of vaginal washes and inserts by local women could be related to the increase in throat cancer among their men.
- Re: Consistency of a melting pot. In Britain, each Chinese takeaway meal contains on average the equivalent of a wineglass full of lard.
- Re: Tips for the unemployed. Four Chinese workers claiming wrongful dismissal cut off their fingertips and swallowed them in protest.
10. Re: Review of classification process. Italy crowned a 375-pound woman ‘Miss Chubby’ this week.
11. Re: Anticipating stony rejections. Brazil offered asylum to the Iranian woman sentenced to death by stoning. Iran declined.
12. Re: Transparency and accountability. Japanese are scurrying to locate 32 centenarians after it was discovered that the man who was considered the ‘oldest living man’ in Japan had actually been dead for over 30 years.
13. Re: Business as usual. Chris Gayle claimed to be unfazed by calls for him to be sacked as captain of the West Indian team.
14. Re: Identifying timewasters. Edward Seaga, former Prime Minister of Jamaica, claimed that Caricom is not and has never been a viable organization
15. Re: Gunplay. In Australia any item resembling a gun, even a toy, must be licensed.
16. Re: Call for a rest. Sussex police want to curb the high number of absurd calls coming through on the emergency hotline; people call if they can’t find their slippers, don’t like their hotel room, if their food was delivered late, if their drains smell….
17. Re: Bargaining power. Cuban authorities are demanding that Cuba be scratched off the terrorism blacklist recently issued by the US.
18. Re: Accepting the gift of life. Obama was disappointed that he was not able to celebrate his 49th birthday with a cake. The Secret Service squashed the cake idea as a safety measure.
19. Re: Dancing around the matter. A Turkish man who was caught hitting, kicking and strangling his wife in a public place in New Zealand argued in court that what was witnessed was actually a traditional Turkish dance performed with his wife.
Consider yourselves up to speed…
- More than 7,000 children in Gaza dribbled baskets simultaneously for five minutes hoping to be a “Big Hit” in Guinness Book of World Records.
- It was Papa Vader “For King”; he won St. Lucia’s calypso monarch competition.
- Fidel Castro is singing a “Bomb Song”; he foresees a nuclear war in Middle East.
- “Ah Taking Ah Wine” or in this case a beer. BrewDog, the strongest (55%) and most expensive (US $855) beer, is now being sold in bottles stuffed into dead animals.
- “One Last Chance” is the gist of what a jailed husband wrote in letters to his wife’s cat! The letters were in fact intended for the wife to dissuade her from testifying against him in a case, but he addressed them to the pet since he was to have no contact with the wife.
- “Dey Cyar Stop It” is what a Canadian man meant to say when he indicated his intention to challenge the ticket he was given for driving a drink cooler on the sidewalk. The cooler boasted a radio, cup holders and a 5.5-horsepower motor.
- Do you “Love This Feeling” you get from watching romantic comedies? Well, don’t. Australian researchers found that such movies negatively affect real life relationships.
- A Dutch priest was suspended for dedicating a mass to the Dutch national soccer team on the day Holland played against Spain. He wore orange, decked the church out in orange flags and sang soccer songs throughout the mass. He was probably even shouting, ““Wave Something”.
- “Don’t Apologize…Leave My Beaches Alone” is a statement for anyone who encounters a situation similar to the following. A woman was touring the grounds of a British castle when her dog ran ahead of her, but by the time she caught up, a transvestite was already having sex with the animal.
10. How do you get the ladies to say, “Boy You Have Me”? French researchers advised that women who listened to music with romantic lyrics were more likely to accept requests to go out on dates.
11. “The Fireman” is how Chavez would described Bolivar, who was exhumed, 180 years after his death, for the purpose of verifying cause of death. “I confess we cried, we swore. I’m telling you, that glorious skeleton has got to be Bolivar’s, because you can feel his fire.”
12. You would expect a “Dark and Lovely” baby from two black people but that was not the case with a black couple in the UK. The wife gave birth to a blonde, blue-eyed white baby. Doctors have been unable to explain this.
13. In Germany, a cheating couple fell from an apartment window during a sexual encounter and suffered injuries. There was no need to “Push Dem”.
14. Storm Bonnie is “Ready for Dem” in the Gulf this weekend. The storm will most likely exacerbate the oil spill situation in the Gulf.
15. In the “Mad People Segment”, a British man murdered his wife because she outperformed him at the game of bridge.
16. Want to know my “First Impression” when I heard the report that aliens were attempting to contact humans using a cosmic version of Twitter – Please, “Dey Doh Give a Damn!”
17. You must be “Pa Melee” to eat a poisonous snake for a bet of only $2. An Indian man did this, but thankfully doctors were able to remove the reptile from his stomach before its venom entered his blood stream.
18. A Taiwanese presenter had no “De Fence” when a mosquito flew into her mouth and choked her on live tv. She had to be hospitalized.
19. “Nothing Sweeter Than Dat” – the ‘dat’ is civet coffee, the most expensive coffee in the world. Muslims in Indonesia were just given the go ahead to consume this coffee which is made from the faeces of the civet cat. Initially, this coffee was initially considered unclean and therefore sinful to consume.
Consider yourselves up to speed…
I’m not a bandwagonist! I’ve supported Spain from day one despite the verbal abuse coming mostly from Germany’s fan camp. So definitely, my World Cup victory came early when Spain whooped the so-called indomitable Germans this week. Only goes to show, things don’t always go as we expect!
1. I expected the Germans to be angry not hungry after their loss against Spain…But some Germans have been asking that, Paul, the live octopus that predicted their defeat, be roasted.
2. I didn’t expect that in 2010 men would still resist housework… But a 29-year-old US man assaulted and held his mother hostage because she failed to iron his clothes.
3. I didn’t expect an untidy bed to have health benefits… But according to studies unmade beds are unappealing to house dust mites which cause asthma and allergies.
4. Who expects and welcomes hair in their food? Jam made using some of Princess Diana’s hair has been a hot seller in London.
5. I’m sure the Taiwanese fast food joints did not expect this… But dentists have fingered their over-sized hamburgers as the cause of the growing number of jaw injuries in that country.
6. I didn’t expect an 80-year-old woman to be so catty. This American granny was discovered living with 104 dead or almost dead cats.
7. Colombian police probably expect anything at this point when it comes to drug trafficking. They intercepted a replica of the World Cup trophy painted gold with green stripes but made from cocaine.
8. Researchers in the US found that women who lived close to supermarkets tended to be slimmer than those who lived close to restaurants. Expect some of your friends to move soon!
9. I expect money laundering to be a negative…But in Zimbabwe it is not always so. Zimbabweans carry their precious US$ bills in their under wears and shoes and when the money gets too filthy to handle they launder the bills in a washing machine.
10. Men are expected to sport modest haircuts in Iran and this country’s Culture Ministry has published a catalog of approved styles for men.
11. Doctors didn’t expect a healthy 30 something year old British woman to die from a heart attack while using a sex toy…But she did.
12. A Swiss psychotherapist expected to ‘expand the consciousness’ of his high profile clients when he gave them illegal drugs during sessions…But he should have expected to get in trouble with the law. Which he did.
13. Don’t expect to do your indecent dance to indecent lyrics at carnival parades in St. Lucia this year. The St. Lucia Carnival Bands Association has decided to delete music with naughty lyrics off their playlist.
14. Vybz Kartel’s song about the Clarks brand of shoes has been impactful. Sales, prices and theft of this product have all increased in Jamaica as a result. Did you fully expect such a report from our CARICOM comrades?
15. You’d expect humbled living in the priesthood…But a Catholic priest in the US stole over $1m from his church. He used that money to shop for designer clothes, go to strip bars and generally access an opulent lifestyle.
16. You always expect Osama bin laden’s name to be mentioned with a level of seriousness…But he is the subject of a humorous Bollywood film “Tere Bin Laden” (“Without You Laden”) due for release on July 16th.
17. Promoters from the United Arab Emirates are attempting to position camel’s milk as superior to cow’s milk as they prepare for a launch in the European market…But I expect to be fully lactose intolerant by the time it gets to the Caribbean.
18. Should we expect hospitals to be responsible for all healing (sexual healing included)? A hospital in the UK had rented out some unused wards for the production of a big budget porn movie.
19. I expect a first time World Cup champion this year. Neither Spain nor Holland has won the title before!
Consider yourselves up to speed…..
Ladies, it’s called The Beautiful Game for a reason. I mean, just look at your guy’s face when he’s watching it. See how excited he gets? Hmmmm. And he’ll be watching it from June 11th to July 11th, so brace yourself – you’re on your own for a whole month. Unlesss…stay with me here… unless you learn the language to infiltrate that world! Here are some basics. Let’s practice:
- To TACKLE the problem of food wastage a restaurant in Australia insists that diners eat everything on their plates or pay a PENALTY and not return.
- Some people are getting a KICK out of the idea that the man who appears in the 1993 hip hop video for “Whoomp (There It Is)” is Barack Obama.
- The British government funded a college course called “Sexy Heels in the City”. The GOAL of the course is to teach girls how to walk in heels because “the earlier younger ladies learn how to walk in heels, the better it’s going to be in the long run — with business and social lives.”
- In the US, three thieves took a CHIP SHOT when they forced the man they were robbing to help them carry his flat screen TV down the stairs.
- ILLEGAL HANDLING resulted in Beenie Man being arrested and charged. The dancehall artist assaulted an entertainer who accidentally hit his Audi Q7.
- An Australian psychologist found that being in a FOUL mood actually helps one think clearly and make better decisions.
- In the US, a man forced his pregnant girlfriend to sign an “abuse contract” giving him permission to STRIKER at his will.
- Concerned parents and nutritionists have spoken up in and effort to SHIELD babies from a new chocolate flavored formula containing 19 grams of sugar. This formula has been described as ‘a baby milkshake’.
- Apparently for Kamla, Jack Warner is a KEEPER in T&T’s cabinet, despite the controversy surrounding his dual roles (cabinet minister and FIFA vice president).
10. Jamaica’s PM has accused the ABC network of a PROFESSIONAL FOUL for referring to him as a ‘criminal affiliate’ of Dudus. He has threatened legal action.
11. Chinese authorities cited the possibility of some kind of HAT TRICK as the reason they initially denied visas to bald men. In their view “it was easier for bald people to disguise themselves”. The ban has been lifted.
12. A 7-year-old boy experienced SUDDEN DEATH by hanging at the hands of Taliban militants who accused him of spying for the government.
13. Talk about FAKE. 15 workers at a bar in England all had their names legally changed to ‘Wayne Rooney’ to show support for their team representing at the World Cup.
14. Progress has been made in the case of the 2-year-old Indonesian boy who smoked 40 cigarettes a day; he now smokes 15 a day. Play therapy is being used to help him KICK the habit.
15. The Taliban’s version of MAN-MARKING involved a plot to kill new British Prime Minister David Cameron during his visit to Afghanistan. But their plan was foiled.
16. Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez proposed a way to SLIDE TACKLE the issue of kids not wanting to go to sleep nightly – have them watch his speeches on TV.
17. A Chinese man was found to be OUT OF BOUNDS for selling his 2-year-old son online for $2650 but he was sentenced to only 6 months in jail.
18. West Indian batsman, Nash, said, ““We’re sick of losing. We don’t like losing. We don’t enjoy it, but it is not something we can just turn around in one day.” Well, get the BALL rolling Nash!
19. …And if all else fails, practice a mild form of hooliganism by bawling: KAKA, RONALDO, MESSI, XAVI, ROONEY!
Good luck ladies…consider yourselves up to speed….and soccer schooled 😉
I ent schupid. As soon as Manning announced the election date for T&T, I booked my ticket for Ste. Lucie. I wanted to ensure that I was out of there for the 2 weeks leading up to May 24th. Why? Huh. Too much pre-election bacchanal. Too much race and party politics. I prefer to cut the dramatics out; I just want those running for government to tell me that they will:
1) Look into reducing road fatalities: “Obama threw me under the bus,” Obama’s former pastor claimed this week. The pastor insists that he is being shunned by Obama and his administration because of the pre-election incident.
2) Ensure that the education system equips students with relevant skills: A US teacher is being investigated because of an example she used during a geometry lesson. According to her lesson, ‘If you’re in this building, you would need to take this angle to shoot the president.’”
3) Enhance performance: Seven times Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong has denied accusations levelled at him by a former teammate that he used drugs during his career.
4) Encourage fair trade practices: A US man was supposedly willing to give his 3-month-old daughter to a pump attendant at a gas station for a pair of 40-ounce bottles of beer.
5) Push sports as a means of keeping young people out of trouble: A captured al-Qaeda militant divulged that he’d planned to attack the Dutch and Danish teams and their fans in South Africa during World Cup in June. This was supposed to be revenge for cartoons drawn of the Prophet Muhammad.
6) Sustain development: Levern Spencer’s reign continues; she won gold in Brazil.
7) Develop a coherent export strategy: In Beijing a man faces trial for illegal organ trafficking. Human organs are highly demanded in China; half a liver costs on average US$6600.
8) Ensure national disaster preparedness: Scientists worry that the inclement weather during the hurricane season could worsen the situation with the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.
9) Ensure that citizens are protected: A shop in Amsterdam will distribute 2,000 “Pope condoms” this weekend, merely to poke fun at Roman Catholics. The condom wrappers bear the image of the pope.
10)Monitor growth in the civil service: In a town in Japan, civil servants are forbidden from growing beards. According to an official, “We have decided to ban our workers from growing a beard as we have received complaints saying they are unpleasant.”
11)Improve the tourism product: Martinique won “Best Caribbean Destination” based on a poll by About.com’s Caribbean travel site.
12)Diversify: Google introduced a TV service which will unite live television viewing and web access.
13)End discrimination: A UK man got his license suspended for 3 years for driving a pink, electric Barbie car at 4mph while drunk.
14)Encourage private partnership in technological development: The i-Fairy, became the first robot to preside over a wedding. It united a Japanese couple.
15)Fight corruption: Pakistani authorities have blocked YouTube and Facebook because of “growing sacrilegious content”.
16)Review the Retrenchment and Severance Benefits Act: A report found that nine million workers in the U.K plan to take time off to watch World Cup in June. 31,850,000 excuses will be used; 1 in 20 workers will lie about a death in family to stay home to watch the games.
17)Guarantee transparency: Caricom observers are already in T&T and Suriname preparing for next week’s elections.
18)Take a familial approach to dealing with mental health issues: The Saint Lucia Tourist Board launched a “Go Bananas” vacation to entice families to the island.
19)Facilitate constitutional reform: The first synthetic cell has been created. “This is literally a turning point in the relationship between man and nature,” said a biologist.
Consider yourselves up to speed…
For West Indians, cricket fever escalated to something akin to hemorrhagic fever… OK, I’m being a little melodramatic, but the outcome was stressful! From Tuesday evening the symptoms became apparent – pained expressions, chest and abdominal discomfort, fatigue, irritability, loss of hope, foul language. Quite frankly we should be immune to stress from this source by now; nevertheless here are some professional recommendations to overcome it:
- Allow yourself the time to recover: Time heals all wounds…a pill enabling humans to live till age 100 will become available by 2012.
- Shift the focus to something positive: Some New York strippers are begging the state to impose taxes on them to secure funding to help out local schools.
- Take a walk: Haitians want their current President to hit the road! They fear that he will use the devastation of the January 12th earthquake as an excuse to extend his term.
- Take a breather: Gordon Brown resigned as British PM and Labour Party leader but he plans to chill out on the backbench in parliament.
- Eat well: T&T’s PM supposedly spends approximately $80,000 on groceries weekly.
- Toy with a new exciting project: A Finnish travel agency now offers vacations for stuffed toys priced at up to €170. The inanimate object receives a luxury vacation; the owner receives a videotape of the trip and the bill!
- Get pampered: In Japan, driving schools have increased their clientele by conducting driving lessons in BMWs and also offering massages and manicures to students who are stressed out by driving tuition.
- Watch a comedy: During his bid for reelection, T&T’s PM admitted to a crowd of supporters, “I made mistakes. And I still make mistakes my dear friends. But I am a human being.”
- Reduce alcohol intake: Bajans noted and celebrated the fact that their home girl Rihanna was spotted in London with a half empty bottle of Barbados’ own Mount Gay Rum.
10.Take up gardening: A Japanese lingerie designer has come up with a rice bra! The bra can actually be worn but it can be used simultaneously for growing rice.
11. Do deep breathing exercises: Smoking may be hazardous to your health but Chinese scientists have found good use for cigarette butts – the chemicals contained prevent corrosion of steel.
12. Focus on your personal achievements: St Lucia has recorded double-digit growth in tourism for first quarter of 2010. For St. Lucian’s tourism minister this is vindication.
13. Distance yourself from the problem: NASA has been receiving some confusing messages space. A UFO expert explained that a NASA probe might have been hijacked by aliens.
14. Avoid other potentially stressful situations: Bill Clinton has a plan to help pay off the debt his wife incurred during her presidential campaign. It’s a raffle! Ticket price? $5. Prize? A day with Bill in New York.
15. Become immersed in artistic expressions: Playboy’s June issue will feature a 3D centrefold.
16. But don’t become lost in artistic expression: Japan’s PM fell from grace after wearing an ugly multicolored shirt for a function with voters.
17. Add drops of essential oils to your bath water: ‘A drop in the ocean’ is BP’s description of the 4 million gallons of oil spilled into the Gulf of Mexico.
18. Get physical: Approximately 40,000 prostitutes have already arrived in South Africa to set up shop in time for FIFA World Cup Football in June.
19. Move on: The West Indies also has a women’s team!
Consider yourselves up to speed….
Mammee, mummy, mom, mother, ma. She’s a special lady ent? So full of love, wisdom and momisms. I’m sure that your mom is quite adept at delivering those one/two liners, aided by piercing stares or (if you’ve really messed up) taps behind the head. Turns out mothers do know best and here we see a broader application of their momisms:
1. “When your father comes home he will deal with you.” A German man has married his companion of 10 years – his cat! He said of his bride, “Cecilia is such a trusting creature. We cuddle all the time and she has always slept in my bed.”
2. “Go and shake the money tree in the backyard.” T&T has acquired Air Jamaica and the republic is supposedly eying LIAT.
3. “When you have your own house then you can make the rules!” Vybz Kartel suggested that regional leaders are idle since they have time to focus on banning performers based on lyrical content.
4. “I’m tired of talking to you about those people you call your friends.” The unsuccessful Time Square bomber was supposedly working on behalf of the Pakistani Taliban.
5. “Speak better than that. All that money I’m spending on school for you.” A man walked into a police station in Grenada carrying a bucket with two severed human heads and announced, “I have two heads for all yuh.”
6. “Are your arms broken? Clean it up; I’m not your maid!” BP has the huge task of cleaning up the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.
7. “You think have the answer for everything, don’t you?” The first ever divorce fair will be held in Italy. Private investigators, makeover consultants and other experts will help those faced with a divorce ‘turn over a new leaf’.
8. “I don’t care who started it, I said stop it!” A US church will hold monthly worship services for dogs in an effort to help them secure a place in heaven.
9. “Don’t play with that; you will hurt yourself.” Friends of a 59 yr old man jokingly inserted an eel into his anus. The eel ate up his intestines leading to his death.
10.“You’re trying to embarrass me? I brought you into this world and I can take you out.” A Russian politician publicly admitted that he’d met aliens and that he’d even visited their spaceship. As a result of this admission, he’s being investigated by the Russian government.
11. “Always wear clean underwear in case you get in an accident.” A South Korean woman finally got her driver’s license after trying 960 times.
12. “Make up you mind. Everyday is a different story with you.” Elvis Presley allegedly died from constipation and not from a heart condition as previously thought.
13.“Life’s not fair; deal with it! A poll found that 93% of French people are perpetual complainers.
14.“Over my dead body!” A Jordanian man received the death sentence for murdering his wife and cutting her body up into small pieces because she did not feel up to having sex with him at the time.
15. “When I was a little girl, things were not like this.” A professor lamented the fact that crime is now considered normal in Jamaica. “The extraordinary has become the ordinary and we have become numb to it,” he said.
16.“One day you will cross the wrong person and you will learn.” In the US, a woman knocked down Lord Jesus Christ (the man’s legal name) as he crossed the street!
17. “God made you so for a reason.” A little Chinese boy fell out of a window of a storied building, but his ears got caught in a metal rail and this saved his life.
18.“Sometime I wish I could go far from here.” The concept of a floating hotel – Aircruise— is being developed by a UK company.
19. “Answer me when I ask you a question.” Are you taking your mom to any of the St. Lucia Jazz events this weekend?
Consider yourselves up to speed….
It’s Labour Day tomorrow. It’s the day set aside “in honor of the working man.” It’s one of the few days we can afford to be justifiably lazy, so make sure you take advantage of this because I have; instead of delivering my 19 items, I present 10.
This Wick is a tribute to the brave men and women who work across the different industries including…
1. Marketing: The British Prime Minister was caught on a microphone describing a potential Labour voter as a bigot. He has been apologising all week in an effort to minimise its impact on his re-election campaign.
2. Construction: Increasingly Arab women are choosing to have surgery to re-connect their hymens to pass as virgins on their wedding nights.
3. Cosmetics: Beijing is using huge deodorant sprays to cover up the smell of garbage in the atmosphere.
4. Transportation: Some explorers claimed to have found Noah’s Ark on Mount Ararat in Turkey.
5. Insurance: To guarantee that they make the right choice in the love department Japanese are increasingly dating based on blood type.
6. Private equity: In Indonesia men who undergo penis enlargement are barred from working in the police force because larger penises are supposed “hindrances during training”.
7. Fashion: Iran has issued a warning that women who suntan and insist on looking like “walking mannequins” will be arrested.
8. Accounting: An Australian bishop tried to account for pedophilia in the priesthood by saying that many priests didn’t consider the act a breach of their vow of celibacy.
9. Food and Beverage: In her new book Laura Bush says she and her husband may have been poisoned in Germany in 2007 during the G8 summit.
10. Entertainment: A US man who went to rob a convenience store, wrapped his head and face with toilet paper to conceal his identity.
11. Legal: An Australian restaurant was ordered to pay compensation of $1500 to a blind man who was denied entry with his guard dog, merely based on the staff’s assumption that the dog was gay.
Consider yourselves up to speed….
Do you have a friend who has no filter, no tact and no idea that every thought should not be shared? You must have that friend who ignores nudges, kicks under tables, fake coughs, your crazy facial twitching and rapid eye movements. One on one you’re cool, but when you’re in public with that person, you brace yourself for anything.
Well, I am blessed with such a friend, and this week I drew her into a conversation about my Wick items without revealing my intentions beforehand. The italicized portions represent an edited version (of course!) of her responses.
1. In New Zealand, a man was arrested for leaving his baby alone in a car at 3 am while he patronized a strip club. Don’t you realize that it’s only two places making money nowadays- strip clubs and sex rehabs? How’s that for a stimulus plan?
2. Oprah’s unauthorized biography was released this week, and it revealed that the white man she was living with in the 70s snuck out on her one night because he felt unable to deal with the pressures of being in an interracial relationship. If you see the state of the man. He did her a favor …
3. This week there was an earthquake in China, a volcanic eruption in Iceland, a cyclone in India, locusts in Australia. God is definitely not happy about something. What they doing to piss off the man so?
4. A British man was halfway to France on the ferry when he realized that he’d accidentally left his elderly mother-in-law in the port’s car park. Accidentally you say? (laughs) You know how long he must have been planning that…
5. A British woman fell off her Wii and consequently developed sexual arousal syndrome; this means that she gets aroused whenever she feels vibrations from cell phones or other devices. Well she’s probably the only person who would enjoy travelling on LIAT…by the way, you know the price of a Wii?
6. This week ten million Hindus, including ash-covered naked holy men, bathed in the Ganges River to be cleansed of their sins. Cleansed? Sorry, but I rather sponge with a cup of water…
7. Trinidad’s UNC brought two of the strategists who helped Obama win to work their magic for that party in upcoming elections. If they win, that’s an investment that will pay great dividends to Jack.
8. In Malta, a mayor tried to get a sculpture resembling a penis near a roadside removed before the Pope’s visit this weekend. Isn’t the Pope a man? My guess is that he’s seen one of those before.
9. The Chairman of the OECS said that crime is the biggest challenge facing the OECS nations. I hope that they’re counting bòbòl in government as crime too…
10. Thousands of homeless Haitians were evicted from the country’s national stadium. “We need to revive football,” an official said to justify the move. But wait, that’s sounding familiar…
11. Padded bikini bras for 7 year old girls were being sold in London until protest forced stores to pull the product. We know who was selling; the better question is who was buying…
12. The West Indian cricket team triumphed over Ireland. I got off that rollercoaster ride long time ago.
13. Haiti still plans to hold elections this year despite the devastation. That sounds like more devastation to me.
14. A new study claims that the brain is designed to handle no more than two tasks at a time. Great! Now I have an excuse to use at work…
15. A burglar in the US who got caught stuck in ventilation system of a store he had tried to rob claimed he’d merely been playing hide and seek, and that the players had stopped looking for him because he’d hidden so well. Right now his mother must be more embarrassed by that excuse than his actual behavior! Cause I am, and I don’t even know him.
16. A UN study reported that more people have access to cell phones than to toilets in India. Oh, so that’s why they say cell phones have more germs than toilet seats. There are no toilets!!
17. Hugh Hefner publicly criticized Tiger Woods and Jesse James for their womanizing ways. The same Hugh Hefner? Playboy mansion Hugh Hefner? Oh, I forgot he is 80something –lucidity slipping.
18. An Australian company has designed high tech underwear for men who are too busy to hit the gym. It’s supposed to make them look slimmer. It’s a girdle! No need to try to make it sound macho!
19. A 19 year old university student was arrested and will face charges for stealing 79 pairs of thongs from female students on his campus. I guess no one told him about the high tech under wears. Oh well…
Consider yourselves up to speed… (thanks to my gauche friend )
I’m back after a Wick off. The break was so effective that I have returned unto you with insight. Here goes – there are more than just 7 wonders of this world! Shocker?! During my scouring, I found 19 more:
- I wonder what this new nuclear arms reduction pact between the US and Russia really means when superpowers want to flex their muscles.
- I wonder how this chaos in Thailand will end especially since a state of emergency was declared this week.
- I wonder why letters of concern were the only consequence faced by two US doctors who performed a C-section on a woman who was not pregnant. They had not verified her claims of pregnancy pre- op.
- I wonder if Trinidadians are disappointed that they fell to second place – behind Papua, New Guinea – in the ranking of countries Googling pornography.
- I wonder why a Pakistani doctor chose to use an ambulance to transport a live cow he’d bought at the market to his home.
- I wonder why Honduras gave Mr. Vegas a key to their city when Grenada wouldn’t even give him a work permit to perform there.
- I wonder what will happen if you develop loose bowels on Ryanair and you have no loose change. The airline plans to reduce toilets to one per plane and install coin machines to collect $1.30 per toilet use.
- I wonder if I know anyone in the 20% of those surveyed globally who believe that aliens, disguised as humans, live among us.
- I wonder how Jamaica’s tourist industry will fare. A UK website has placed Jamaica as the first on a list of five countries gays should avoid.
10. I wonder if that IGA award won by Super J means even more IGA products for Lucians.
11. I wonder if Carlsberg workers in Denmark were sober when they walked off their jobs in protest after management decided that beers should only be consumed during lunch and not all throughout the day.
12. I wonder why two women felt that their plan to sneak a dead man onto a plane bound for Germany from the UK was feasible. He’d been dead for 12 hours and airport workers said that he looked dead.
13. I wonder what parenting has come to when a US woman was charged with harassment for making entries on her son’s Facebook page.
14. I wonder how it feels to lose your Sir name. Antigua revoked Allen Stanford’s knighthood.
15. I wonder what St. Lucia needs to fall in with St Kitts and Nevis as “Favorite Destination in the Caribbean” for 2010.
16. I wonder if penis envy is responsible for a 6.5 feet species of lizard landing on the endangered list. The lizards have two penises which “are used alternately and contain spines or hooks that serve as anchor within the female during intercourse.”
17. I wonder how young is too young. In Yemen, 3 days after a 12 year old was married off to a 23 year old man, she died of internal bleeding resulting from intercourse.
18. I wonder how long it would take for the Pope to meet with all those who suffered sexual abuse at the hands of RC priests. He has announced that he is available for meetings.
19. I wonder why a Canadian store owner would sell $US300 swastika-engraved soaps which were supposedly made from the remains of Holocaust victims.
Consider yourselves up to speed…
This week I interviewed a young lady and of course I threw in the interview staple “Tell me a little about yourself”. Lemme tell ya…seriously, she sat there for what seemed like an eternity, and she still couldn’t tell me one thing – no matter how much I prompted her. She couldn’t find anything to say: nothing good, nothing bad, nothing made up. Nada! In place of that eerie silence, she could have said…
- I’m resourceful: …Like the Indian military. Those people found a way to use chili peppers to make hand grenades to battle the terrorists!
- I’m analytical: …Just like those who figured out that it would take $11.5 billion over the next three years to rebuild Haiti.
- I aim high: …Like the Bajans. According to the Airports Council International, their Grantley Adams International Airport is the best airport in the Caribbean.
- I am quite articulate: …Like the Thais. Hundreds of shaved heads speak volumes! Last week they used blood, this week the Thai continued their call for new elections by shaving their heads.
- I always go the extra mile: …Though that’s an understatement for the 330 tourists who in 2012 will be the first to visit space on a commercial passenger spaceship. Virgin Galactic started its flight testing programme this week.
- I’m very organised; I keep a tidy workspace: …Quite like Michael Jackson’s doctor who allegedly stopped giving a dying Jackson CPR to clean up evidence of his misconduct.
- You can count on me; I’m very reliable: …Like a six-year-old Chinese boy born with 15 fingers and 16 toes (and thus needed no abacus) who underwent corrective surgery this week.
- I am a fast learner: …Hopefully much faster than those who go to a Beijing clinic and clearly don’t understand the concept ‘once bitten twice shy’. At that clinic, bees are placed on patients’ bodies and are allowed to sting them to good health.
- I work well in groups: …Just like the two Taiwanese thieves who put an advertisement in a newspaper to recruit two accomplices for a heist they had planned. They actually advertised for “salesmen” and “business commissioners”.
10. I am not afraid to ask for guidance: …Similar to the American man who stopped a cop car to ask for directions, after he’d robbed a convenience store.
11. It’s not important for me to be part of the in crowd: …Though the same can’t be said for a US man who tried to climb a twelve foot barbwire topped fence to get back into prison because he feared for his life on the outside. For this, he was sentenced to 15 years in prison.
12. I am good at networking: …Maybe as good as the Trini man who denied his Prime Minister entry to his yard during a walkabout. This man is now a FaceBook superstar.
13. I am tactful: This week, democrats received death threats because they supported the health care bill. Sarah Palin’s post “Don’t retreat. Instead, RELOAD” probably didn’t help.
14. I am fair: …Even more than Bin Laden who warned that if the U.S. executed Khalid Sheik Mohammed that they would in turn execute the Americans captured by al-Qaida.
15. I’m a problem solver: …And hopefully better than the US woman who thought that flinging her 2 year old son into her SUV, through a window, would deter the man who came to repossess the vehicle.
16. I’m modest: Two Indonesian provinces continue to flout the anti-pornography law because they see it as clashing with their cultural ideals. In these provinces women usually go topless.
17. I can influence people to follow me: …But in a different way from the 67 year old Belgian woman who committed suicide by leaping out of the window of her twelfth-floor apartment. Unfortunately she hit a 72 year old man and killed him as well.
18. I am consistent: …like the Swedish prisoner who was warned about his persistent farting. His flatulence represented a protest against prison life, and the prison warden described it as “a series of concerted attacks” on staff; the prisoner described his farts as “all noise and no fragrance”.
19. I try not to fall behind in my work; I always try to keep abreast: A US psychologist invented a bra- like device to help women who want to lift their buttocks.
Consider yourselves up to speed…
Clichés, idioms and the like have gotten a bad rap! We are told to avoid them because they lack that va va va voom factor. They have become too comfortable, like old house clothes, and we’re advised to find a fresh wardrobe. But why apply so much stress on the brain when these communicate exactly what we mean sometimes. Don’t you get the points below?
- Time is short: The world’s shortest man (29 inches tall) died this week. He was only 21.
- Run for your life: An American man was jogging, with earphones on, when he was hit from the back and killed by a plane making an emergency landing.
- There’s no place like home: Barbados’ minister of education commented this week that “Even though we share the same Caribbean space, it does not mean we have to welcome everybody. Vybz Kartel and Mavado can stay in Jamaica.”
- Be the bigger person: A 600 pound American woman aims to be the world’s heaviest woman. She’s on a diet (12000 calories a day) to reach her goal weight of 1000 pounds.
- An experience to die for: A Russian couple parked their car in a small garage and left the engine running while they had sex; they died from carbon monoxide poisoning.
- Dish the dirt: In a village in Indonesia, dirt is baked and eaten as a snack called ‘ampo’ which is thought to be healthy.
- That was cold- blooded: In Bangkok, protesters donated gallons of their blood and this blood was poured out in front of the prime minister’s office, to push for elections. This weekend they will paint the town red with ‘blood painting’.
- A bun in the oven: A US man, after drinking, and smoking marijuana put his 5 week old son to bed in the oven. Thankfully he didn’t turn it on.
- Don’t rock the boat: …says Bob Marley but one of his sons has written a book, blaming Rita Marley for preventing the ‘outside children’ from sharing in the wealth of the legend. The controversial book supposedly tells the “story the Marley family apparently didn’t want you to know”.
10. Out of the woods: After months of scandal, Tiger announced this week that he will be competing in the Masters in April. He’ll be back to what he does best…well I am being a little presumptuous here.
11. When the stars align: The St. Lucia Jazz line up was announced and it includes Ne-Yo, Corrine Bailey Rae and Shaggy.
12. There is something fishy about this: In the US, a cable company mistakenly broadcasted two hours of the Playboy Channel on a children’s network.
13. When in Rome:… Or in this case Dubai, act accordingly. A British couple will face a month in prison for kissing in public after a parent complained that her child witnessed the incident at 2 am!
14. Keep it bottled up: Not boarded up! An Argentine man collected 6 million bottles and built a 5 room house.
15. Not my cup of tea: Australian police jailed a Philippine tourist for five days because they’d mistaken the iced tea she had in her possession for drugs.
16. Threw a curveball: Everyone is still talking about West Indies’ victory against Zimbabwe. It’s their first series win since 2008.
17. All bent out of shape: A US dentist had been using paperclips for root canal procedures, instead of the required stainless steel posts, while still collecting money from Medicaid for the genuine part.
18. A free pass: CARIPASS, a document which should make inter-regional travel easier, should be in use by July.
19. Smile, you’re on candid camera: An 82 year old Brazilian priest was caught on tape having sex with an altar boy. When he saw the camera he didn’t smile though, just kept asking, “Who’s there?” “Who is it?”
Consider yourselves up to speed…..
This week, two of the oldest women in the US died (ages 114 and 113) but a 110 year old Jamaican is still alive and offering her secrets to longevity. It’s a miracle to be able to make it to that age given the way things are going. Don’t you think? I wonder (yea, it’s a bad habit of mine) how these centenarians see our 2010 world – its lifestyle, disasters, crime, and technologies. I wonder what goes through their minds when they hear the news. Wish I could pick their brains:
1) What do they think about the spate of earthquakes and tsunamis? Haiti, Chile, Turkey… Do they think that these are signs of the end times?
2) What do they think about the banana in his underwear? Oh come on…I mean the Australians are now using bananas to make men’s underwear…
3) How would they react to the news that milk has non-nutritional value? An incarcerated US woman used her breast milk as a weapon when she squirted it into the face of a female prison guard.
4) How would they regard Kamla for filing a ‘no confidence’ motion against T&T’s current PM? Women’s rights or the woman’s right?
5) Would they blame the internet café or the internet for a South Korean couple’s plight? The couple was arrested this week because they spent twelve hours at a time at an internet cafe raising a virtual baby and so neglected their real premature baby at home. This resulted in the real child starving to death.
6) Would they think it strange then, that a South Korean man chose to marry a pillow in light of the above ‘out of touch with reality’ behavior? Would they counsel him on pillow fights? Don’t go to bed angry…
7) Would they still think that a dog is a good companion when they hear that dog owners in London will soon have to fit dogs with microchips and take out insurance for these dogs?
8) Would they tut tut when they hear that an American woman who had no idea she was pregnant gave birth on the floor of her laundry room while alone, cut the umbilical cord herself then rushed off to pick up her other child from school?
9) What would they think of a disabled man dismissing a nurse in Amsterdam because she refused to provide sexual services as part of regular healthcare? And the fact that the nurses have launched a campaign as a result?
10) Would they still think that cheese is healthy when they hear that a US chef made cheese from his wife’s breast milk?
11) Would they regret not getting freaky often enough when they hear experts report that good sex ends at age 70?
12) Would they agree with Switzerland for refusing to allow lawyers to defend animals in court or would they say that lawyers are already defending animals in court?
13) Would they ‘buss’ a laugh or lament the crime situation when they hear that a US man robbed 11 people but only came out with $6?
14) Would they be upset that a big hardback 55 year old US man broke into a church to steal? Or be more upset that the man actually took a break from his looting to watch some porn using the church’s equipment?
15) Would they wonder why the youths are moving so fast when they hear that Usain Bolt was named Laureus World Sportsman for the second year in a row?
16) Do they believe that rats have reached the status of delicacy since they are now on the table instead of under in a St. Lucian restaurant?
17) Do they think that it is nasty unhygienic or nasty perverted that a Swedish police man rubbed his penis all over a female cop’s vehicle? Either way, he blogged about it and he’s now being investigated.
19) This week, it was reported that the start date for the inter-island ferry service will be announced soon. Do they think that they will live long enough to see that?
Consider yourselves up to speed…
Decisions, decisions, decisions. Jake decided to choose Vienna. Yup. Good or bad choice? Hmmm. Don’t ask me. I will keep my two cents in my pocket because it’s still guava season around these parts. But what I will say is that I’m happy they chose St. Lucia since we were able to get some good publicity as a result. Hopefully when I travel from now on I will encounter fewer people who wonder aloud whether St. Lucia is Jamaica or near Jamaica.
Anyway, this Wick let’s look at some other decisions made. Good? Bad? It’s up to you.
- Catholics in France have some decisions to make if they want to confess their sins. A confession hotline has been set up and the operator gives the options:”For advice on confessing, press one. To confess, press two. To listen to some confessions, press three… In case of serious or mortal sins — that is, sins that have cut you off from Christ our Lord, it is indispensable to confide in a priest”.
- Tiger has made the decision to start focusing on golf again.
- Obama has made some bad food choices since becoming president and now his cholesterol is up to a borderline-high at 209.
- An Englishman got fined and had his license suspended because he chose to walk his dog without actually walking himself. He held on to the dog’s leash and drove alongside it as it walked.
- Faced with the decision of a new refrigerator? You now have a choice of one with Internet access, made by South Korea’s Samsung.
- Buju Banton made the decision to plead entrapment but I’m skeptical given that there is video evidence of him tasting cocaine and making arrangements for its sale.
- Mo’Nique admitted this week that her decision not to shave her legs hinges on her husband’s love of hairy legs.
- Authorities made a decision to arrest a Swedish pilot for using a fake license while he was in the cockpit ready to take off with 101 passengers. You’d never have guessed that this pilot had been flying passengers for 13 years and had logged 10000 flight hours over that period, using that same fake license.
- A World Bank report indicated that a deficiency in health care in the Caribbean is partly due to Caribbean nurses’ decision to migrate to the more developed countries.
10. The 11 year old son of the president of Azerbaijan decided that he wanted 9 mansions in Dubai, costing $44 million, and that’s what he got.
11. A Chinese teacher chose to punish misbehaving kindergarteners by pricking them on their hands, feet and bottoms with a hypodermic needle. She’s awaiting the court’s decision.
12. A family left Haiti after the devastation there, but it turns out that Chile was not the best choice for refuge. But to the Desarmes’ credit, they did survive two major earthquakes.
13. A group of parents in the Philippines decided that because the feeding programme at their children’s school was below par, the school was of no use, so they burned it down.
14. Even before he died, a life-long smoker decided that he wanted the words “Smoking Killed Me” displayed on his hearse and at the gravesite. This Englishman’s wish was granted.
15. In a German village people can decide which pothole they want to purchase. The money paid (€50) is used to repair the pothole and the owner of the former pothole gets to put a personal message where the hole once was.
16. Victims of Allen Stanford’s scheme have decided to launch a global campaign, “Anti-Crime, Anti-Antigua”, to discourage tourists and investors from supporting the island.
17. A former madam has decided to run for the governorship of New York. She claimed that the knowledge gained from running a prostitution business will be helpful in running a state.
18. Britons are not too pleased about the decision by the government to place cameras in household bins since this could lead to charges based on what and how much they throw out.
19. Of all the vehicles in a parking lot, a German man chose a police car to line up his drug to snort.
Consider yourselves up to speed…
Way back then, Sweet Helen was like the Bachelorette – minus the cameras, but with all of the drama. Not even the most eligible woman can boast of having two big shot white boys literally fight for her affection for over 150 years. And after all that, Helen still ditched the victorious Englishman in 1979, to become a single, independent lady.
Sometimes in a relationship, a woman just knows when it’s not working out. When is it definitely time to call it quits?
1) When things aren’t rosy: St. Lucia definitely got more than a rose this week when the segment of ABC’s “The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love” shot there, was aired. But I can’t say the same for the young lady who Jake evicted from paradise.
2) When he wants to talk only when he is ready: Tiger Woods held a press conference of a select few, to address the revelations of the past months. The Golf Writers of America boycotted saying that access should have been granted to all media.
3) When he says he needs his space: An American man was arrested twice on his wedding night for assaulting his new wife.
4) When he wants to see other people: The anticipated meeting between the Dalai Lama and Obama took place; China is still fuming.
5) When there’s so much pain inside: A Czech woman had been in pain for months before the source was finally discovered. Doctors had forgotten to remove a 12 inch long surgical tool from her abdomen after a procedure, five months before.
6) When you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel: In a funeral home in Colombia, a 45-year-old woman who was pronounced dead started breathing and moving as they prepared to embalm her.
7) When he always wants to be on top: T&T’s Basdeo Panday denied reports that he is looking to leave the UNC to form his own political party now that Kamla is the new party leader.
8) When he doesn’t treat you like you’re special: Sarah Palin accused the creators of Family Guy of being insensitive for mocking her son who has Down’s syndrome. They responded by saying that the show is an ‘equal opportunity offender’.
9) When you think you deserve better: The VVIP who paid $1600 to see Beyonce were apparently not pleased with the conditions.
10) When you don’t feel like he stands behind you: Afghan Taliban militants have resorted to using civilians as human shields; they fire at their enemies behind a barricade comprised of women and children.
11) When he causes a scene: A Russian managed to hack into a computer system to show a two- minute pornographic clip on a big screen overlooking a busy roadway. There was widespread chaos and an elderly driver had a heart attack.
12) When he has no stamina: Dick Cheney says that Obama won’t last. He refers to Barack as a ‘one term president’.
13) When things get complicated: A Japanese restaurateur turned simple and cheap ramen noodles into a meal which costs US$110 and takes three days to prepare.
14) When you can’t live together: An American crashed his plane into an IRS building to show his dissatisfaction with the institution. He did this after posting a suicide note online.
15) When you’re always fighting: Lucian Peoples Movements urged young people to continue to fight! Against poverty, that is.
16) When he takes advantage of you: Criminals saw an opportunity to make money off the tragedy in Haiti and took it! They did this by setting up bogus charities online and encouraging contributions.
17) When you two are not sole mates: A Seoul man was finally caught this week after he’d already stolen 1200 pairs of shoes. The man would pose as a mourner at a funeral, where people remove their shoes as a sign of respect, then walk away in an expensive pair.
18) When you have some weighty issues: A 528 pound Romanian woman became the heaviest woman known to have given birth in her country.
19) When he doesn’t come when he says he will: LIAT suspended all service to St. Kitts and Nevis due to presence of volcanic ash clouds.
Consider yourselves up to speed…
Sometimes I wish I could exchange my dark Gucci shades for simple rose-colored glasses because there is so much bad news out there! It’s so overwhelming at times, and I want to be able to look up in search of that proverbial silver lining, to remain sane. This Wick I’m going all Monty Python on you as I attempt to “… look on the bright side of life”. Wish me luck!
1) In Haiti, a teenage girl was pulled from the rubble 15 days after the earthquake struck. She suffered from a broken leg and dehydration, but on the bright side, she was alive!
2) An overworked dairy farmer from New York shot 51 of his 101 cows, then shot himself. But some have found the bright side by speculating that he tried to make things easier for his family by leaving the 50 cows that don’t need to be milked frequently.
3) It came out this week, that the late Pope John Paul II habitually beat himself with a belt to remind himself of Christ’s suffering. On the bright side, that’s not what the pope died from in 2005.
4) In Peru, doctors mistakenly amputated a man’s good foot. But on the bright side, when they realized their error, they took ‘corrective’ action by cutting off the infected foot as well.
5) An Italian boy was so offended by his father’s advice to improve his videogame skills, that he stabbed his old man in the neck with a knife. Is there really a bright side to this? What should we make of the fact that after stabbing his father, the boy went to the kitchen calmly, washed the knife he’d used and put it to dry?
6) Panday was defeated as opposition leader, and current PM, Manning was busy feeling sorry for him. But on the bright side, Trinidad could see its first female prime minister come next election.
7) A German who hid 44 small lizards in his underwear to try to smuggle them out of New Zealand got caught and punished. But on the bright side, the lizards were remarkably well behaved.
8) Being a soldier is risky business. The Israelis are trying to make up for that by issuing soldiers new odour-free socks. These socks can be worn for a full fortnight without smelling up the feet. On the bright side, who wants to die with stinky feet? Right?
9) In Israel, a man threw a shoe at a judge while in court. He used so much force that the shoe knocked the judge off her chair. Disrespectful eh? But on the bright side, there was nowhere to run; he was already in the embrace of the long arm of the law.
10) An American woman died at 100. But on the bright side, she died just one day after fulfilling her lifelong dream of earning her degree in education.
11) A Roman Catholic priest in the US was charged for stealing butter and a sofa cover from Walmart. But on the bright side, as a priest he knows firsthand that if he confesses, he shall be forgiven.
12) Everything may not always be ‘shorely amazing’ in St. Lucia, but on the bright side, St.Lucians count! The 2010 census was launched this week.
13) Being overweight has many disadvantages, but an Australian study found a bright side: older people who are overweight outlive those who are of average weight.
14) In an audio message, Bin Laden claimed responsibility for the failed attack which took place since Christmas day. On the bright side, good leadership means not taking credit only for the successes.
15) A 13 year old Saudi girl was handed a harsh sentence for assaulting her teacher. She will receive 90 lashes and two years in prison. Harsh yes, but on the bright side, I can’t see her doing it again.
16) Going out on a limb can yield disastrous results sometimes, but for a Bajan man there is a bright side. The 46 year old could not afford land so he built his house in a tree!
17) We sometimes complain about the curse of technology, but a church in Poland found the bright side when they installed an electronic fingerprint scanner to check children’s attendance at church.
18) By now you know about the disaster in Haiti. But what you may not know is that geologists are seeing a bright side – the earthquake may have revealed petroleum reservoirs that could help this poor country in the future.
19) The president of Argentina may have upset Viagra producers this week when she said that pork was better for one’s sex life than Viagra. But on the bright side, little Pork City in La Guerre, St. Lucia got a worldwide big-up!
Consider yourself up to speed….
On Tuesday, I overheard someone say, “De year now start and I dan feel for a holiday already.” So I took my cue from that. Therefore, this week I’ve decided to issue an advisory (yes, I’m truly always this helpfulJ) for all those contemplating travelling soon. Here are your 19 guidelines based on this week’s happenings; decide which ones apply to you.
- No! It’s not a good idea to vacation in Haiti as yet. This week, a Royal Caribbean cruise ship docked there to allow tourists to frolic along the northern coast of this devastated country. Even some onboard thought that move a bit inappropriate.
- If you visit Germany, mind the chili sauce. Eight teenagers were just hospitalized after drinking chili sauce that was 200 times hotter than normal.
- Thinking of Jamaica as an option? Well, ensure that you glimpse the latest attraction – a 16 year old Jamaican girl! At 6’ 11”, she is the world’s tallest teenager.
- If you put on some weight over the festive season, you may reconsider travelling with Air France. Overweight persons in some cases, need to purchase 2 seats to fly with them.
- In case you’re royalty inclined, Prince Harry will be visiting Barbados next week.
- In terms of things to do in Amsterdam, the mayor wants to ban prostitution between 4a.m and 8 a.m. to fight lawlessness; but the local union for prostitutes oppose this move, claiming that that particular period is the most profitable for them.
- Have you already purchased your ticket for Trini Carnival? Thought you should know that there were 30- something murders in the first 20- something days of 2010.
- Also be careful in India. Prisoners who participate in yoga classes are freed early, based on the premise that yoga helps with self control and reduces aggression.
- If you’re looking at Guyana as an option, the dexterity of the police may put your mind at ease. A Guyanese man was shot smack-dab in the penis while resisting arrest.
10. Tiger Woods is now at sex rehab in Mississippi. The place is a bit pricey though, so be sure to check your budget.
11. Before you decide on a South African adventure, consider a “stab-proof vest” being sold by a London-based company. The company was criticized for this product, but approximately 50 people are murdered on a daily basis in South Africa…
12. California is not a wise choice for a getaway. A winter rainstorm battered the state this week.
13. I know we have terrorism on the brain, but avoid overreacting on your flight. This week, a U.S. flight was diverted because a Jewish teen’s prayer box was mistaken for a bomb.
14. When considering a hotel, note that Holiday Inn in the UK will be offering human bed-warmers soon! But, it’s not while you’re in the bed. A member of the staff will dress in a full body warmer and lie in the guest’s beds to keep it warm before the guest arrives.
15. Avoid hostile areas if you are going for relaxation. Venezuelan officials believe that the Haitian earthquake was caused by the US! According to them, the US was testing a ‘tectonic weapon’ that is really intended for use in the defeat of Iran.
16. To whom it may concern: gay churches in Jamaica are located underground. Overstand?
17. If you plan on visiting China, be warned that internet content will be restricted and you may not be able to ‘google it’. Google has threatened to withdraw from China over censorship issues.
18. If you end up in Alaska (Why? pray tell), please don’t complain if your food order is not properly fulfilled. A man who complained got spit in his taco; then when he threw the taco at the manager, he got sentenced to one day in jail and a fine of $100.
19. An American radio host said this about Haiti, “…it’s just a horrible country, it’s just dirt, it’s poverty stricken, they need a cleansing, maybe a half a million Haitians that will end up not being around tomorrow…It’s a cleanse.”” Was it really necessary to go there!?
Consider yourselves up to speed….
Do you know that there is a Doomsday Clock? And that it was set back one full minute this week? It is now six minutes before midnight! The scientists responsible believe that at the stroke of midnight on this clock, (forget what the fairy godmother said) the world will end. We managed to shave off one minute by bringing about positive changes in the world. From a corporate perspective, here’s a breakdown of how we earned those extra 60 seconds.
1) Bias for action: The world did not only watch the devastation in long-suffering Haiti, but also took action to provide aid in the wake of the 7.0 earthquake. Thankfully, Rush Limbaugh’s sentiments don’t prevail. (10 seconds)
2) Committed force: An estimated 24 million eligible Chinese men may not be able to find wives come 2020. This imbalance stems from the abortion of females. (1 second)
3) Critical Thinking: The Vatican slammed the new movie ‘Avatar’, for encouraging the worship of nature above God. (4 seconds)
4) Top of the line equipment: A church in London piled phones and laptops belonging to members of the congregation onto the altar and invoked God’s blessing on them. (5 seconds)
5) Extensive networking: Croatia’s president faces one of the biggest dilemmas of his administration so far. Here goes… one can have a maximum of 5000 friends on Facebook; Mr. Prez has met his quota, but he has an additional 7000 people waiting for him to accept their requests. (5 seconds)
6) Good customer service: A Polish (how appropriate) prostitute earned 13.7 million in income but failed to pay taxes. She now faces a fine of 2.3 million. (2.5 seconds)
7) All hands on deck: Due to Diabetes, each day, at least one Bajan loses a limb. (1 second)
8) A big name: An 8 year old American boy bears the same name as a man on the terrorist watch list. As a result of this, the little boy always gets frisked at airports; he’s been patted down since he was 2 yrs old. (1 second)
9) Consideration of alternative options: China will hold its first ever Mr. Gay China pageant soon. (4 seconds)
10) Tools to monitor performance: Sex toys are now big business in Barbados. Bajans are said to be “taking their bedroom life to another level”. (4 seconds)
11) Clear, concise communication: An American man who obviously wanted to land in jail, handed a note to a Fedex Kinko employee and waited outside the store. The note read: “This is a robbery, I will wait outside for police, sorry.” (5 seconds)
12) A lean organization: In Sweden, a floor collapsed under 20 Weight Watchers who were there to check how much weight they had lost. (1 second)
13) Optimism: Obama said this week that he believes that Tiger Woods can be rehabilitated. (5 seconds)
14) Fair trade practices: In the US, a mother was arrested for attempting to barter her two year old daughter for a gun. (0 seconds)
15) Secured assets: This week, the legendary Teddy Pendergrass died at age 59. (0 seconds)
16) Recognition programs: Cricketer Ricky Ponting was voted Player of the Decade (4.5 seconds)
17) New product development: Chavez has a plan to help fight crime and drug use among youths in Venezuela– socialist soap operas! (4 seconds)
18) Guerilla marketing: T&T’s Prime Minister claims that we won’t be attending the Beyonce concert on the basis that he can’t afford it. Tickets range from TT $450 to $1600. (3 seconds)
19) Outsourced services: In the Jamaican court this week, a contracted killer testified that the doctor who hired him to kill his wife promised to pay over $100,000 for the job. (0 seconds)
Consider yourself up to speed…
Happy New Year! What were your resolutions? Have you started on them yet? Can you even remember them? I heard somewhere that 95% of New Year’s resolutions are forgotten by the end of the year. I don’t know how true that is, but here are 19 of some of the most popular resolutions we make. Let’s see how the world is faring just one week into 2010.
1) Keep fit: A naked jogger chose the front of the White House during near freezing temperatures, as his training ground. He was taken into custody and, therefore, could not achieve this goal.
2) Have better relationships: Rihanna starts off the new year with a new beau, in hopes of putting the issues of 2009 even further behind her. Curiously though, not only is her new bf a baseball player, but he’s one of his team’s best hitters.
3) Quit drinking: Mariah Carey looked a little sloppy when she accepted an award at the Palm Springs International Film Festival. She acknowledged that she was in fact drunk (Step 1 in 12), but she still has 51 more weeks to clean up.
4) Find new jobs: Two members of St. Lucia’s UWP submitted resignation letters. They cited the current government’s poor performance as the main reason why they are leaving their old jobs behind.
5) Secure some ‘Me time’: Buju is doing well at this. He was arrested on drug charges in December and spent Christmas behind bars. This month, he will also miss the Grammy Awards where his latest album is nominated.
6) Manage finances better: In what is still considered difficult economic times, Trinidad’s TSTT is still being extravagant. According to reports, the company will spend a total of 10 million on the Beyonce concert slated for February 18th.
7) Make some sacrifices: Ugandan witchdoctors obviously took this resolution the wrong way. These witchdoctors sacrifice the blood and body parts of captured children to spirits, so that their clients can attain their goals for 2010.
8) Find that special someone: PETA has found that special someone in Mrs. Obama. There’s no one better than the first lady to endorse their cause? Only problem is that she did not consent to the use of her image.
9) Enjoy life: “Nothing nuh wrong with it…” That was the response of a Jamaican to the idea of individuals having sex in public during street parties. Thankfully, not all Jamaicans hold that view.
10) Take a trip: A pickpocket decided to take his trip early. On an Air France flight and he stole 4000 euros from business class passengers while they slept.
11) Make smart investments: EU members are divided on the use of full body scanners at airports. On one hand, they consider the intrusiveness and associated health risks and on the other, their relationship with the US.
12) Be environmentally friendly: An American couple is aiming to collect 400, 000 cans for recycling (worth $4000-$5000) to enable them to pay for their wedding.
13) Quit Smoking: Former Olympic and world champion Justin Gatlin was suspended for 4 years after testing positive for banned substances. This week he sent a warning to Usain Bolt and Tyson Gay to prepare for a possible defeat when he returns this year. Easier said than done.
14) Don’t bail out easily: In St. Lucia, Lawyers for Donavan Lorde are still trying to get him bail despite the court’s initial denial.
15) Mind your diet: Seinfeld’s Jason Alexander is on track. He moved from being the spokesman for KFC to now endorsing Jenny Craig in an effort to lose 40lbs.
16) Lose some pounds: A millionaire was fined a record £ 182, 000 for speeding in Switzerland.
17) Go back to school: The 23 year old Nigerian who attempted a terrorist attack on Christmas day was indicted on 6 counts. He admitted to being schooled by Al Qaeda for the mission.
18) Try something new: Though Portugal is mostly a Roman Catholic country, the parliament has passed a bill supporting gay marriages.
19) Treat others better: The dawning of the New Year did not seem to decelerate the crime rate. Already this one looks unachievable both regionally and internationally.
Consider yourselves up to speed….
It’s hard to decide on gifts for certain people. Sometimes we go with what we can afford; other times we aim for practicality. In some instances we wish the persons concerned would help by dropping a hint and in other cases we’d prefer if they stated emphatically “All I want for Christmas is…”
- A better report card: President Obama gave himself “a good solid B-plus.” Many people give him a failing grade. Castro is one of the many.
- To maintain the status quo: Some Italians are upset about the dark-skinned Jesus, Mary and Joseph on display at a local courthouse.
- A wholesome hobby: The Chinese government will continue its anti- pornography drive in 2010.
- Kudo: Ben Bernanke was named TIME magazine’s 2009 Person of the Year, and Bolt was on the shortlist.
- A few good men: Westerners were advised that the Taliban has no shortage of volunteers from their own region. Therefore, they need not apply.
- Some common sense: A gay Jamaican man who had both his eyes dug out by his lover, pleaded for the court to release the offender to come home to take care of him.
- An airtight alibi: Buju Banton was arrested in the US and charged for his part in a conspiracy to distribute cocaine.
- A Porta Potty: A Trini man broke into a roti shop to use their toilet. He fell asleep and was discovered there in the morning. He was fined TT $3000.
- Home sweet home: After 35 years in prison, a US man was exonerated by DNA evidence.
- To be a worthy competitor: A controversial billboard in New Zealand shows a sour faced Joseph in bed with Mary after the deed. The caption underneath reads “Poor Joseph. God is a hard act to follow.”
11. No privatization of the water service: Some Jamaican men drive around, approach people using water for what they consider unimportant activities (e.g washing a car) and demand that tax be paid to them immediately.
12. A change of climate: 193 nations gathered in Copenhagen to discuss solutions to the global climate crisis.
13. Suspension of all political roro: Marcus Nicholas accused St. Lucia’s PM and the leader of the oppositionof conspiring against him.
14. A new story: Rihanna posed for half naked pics in GQ magazine to make us forget the pictures of her battered face that were leaked onto the internet earlier this year.
15. To befriend the big O: Oprah donated $1.5 million to a school in Atlanta.
16. Clean atmosphere: A Jamaican woman assaulted another. The offense? The woman had bad breath and continued to speak to the attacker despite warnings to desist.
17. A role model: in the US, a 4-year-old boy was found drunk, roaming his neighborhood wearing a little girl’s dress, saying that he wanted to go meet his father in jail.
18. A date: Allen Stanford’s trial will begin January 2011. He will face 21 charges.
19. A chill pill: First Colombia, now the Netherlands. Chavez accused the latter, “along with the Yankee empire, of preparing aggression against Venezuela.”
Consider yourselves up to speed….
Kids are told that there are benefits to being Nice and drawbacks to being Naughty and the verdict is handed down at Christmas time. (Hopefully) We adults don’t believe in Santa but we do believe in consequences. In the grownup world, who was naughty and who was nice this week? And what were the consequences?
- Gatorade was nice enough to drop their endorsement deal with Tiger Woods amid the golfer’s sex scandal. They actually did him a favor. At this point, can you imagine Tiger repeating the Gatorade slogan “Is it in you?”
- UK parents have deemed all shops encouraging the ‘pinkification’ of little girls, naughty and they called for a boycott of those businesses.
- Tennis Star Andy Murray was a naughty videogame obsessed boyfriend and his girlfriend broke up with him as a result.
- The Australian police thought that two stars were naughty for killing and cooking a rat for consumption on a reality show. The stars were charged for animal cruelty.
- Obama accepted the Nobel Peace Prize on the heels of agreeing to more troops for Afghanistan and he was nice enough to speak on ‘just wars’…
- But Fidel Castro criticized his actions as naughty. In Castro’s view Obama should not have accepted this peace prize after committing to the Afghan war.
- Some St. Lucians were nice enough to point out that their prime minister should inquire into his health if he is becoming too exhausted to address the nation.
- Buju was naughty when he sang Boom Bye Bye in 1992, but a gay and lesbian organization in the US is protesting his Grammy nomination even if his current album does not promote violence against homosexuals.
- It was nice that the Guyana Police Force embraced and promoted a police officer who was blinded in both eyes while on duty.
10. The ‘dance hall summit’ was a nice move. Dancehall artists Vybz Kartel and Movado met with Jamaican Cabinet Ministers to hammer out a truce between Gully and Gaza factions.
11. The English football team is entertaining naughty thoughts of using Viagra just before they go out on the field. Research shows that this drug helps athletes perform better at their sport.
12. The International Baseball Federation was nice enough to elect one of Castro’s sons as a vice president of the organization despite prevailing anti –Cuban sentiments in some areas.
13. A Jamaican man who was bitten by a dog was naughty enough to go looking for the dog after he left the hospital. And he bit it back!
14. Some Americans are saying that it is naughty of CBS to cancel ‘As the World Turns’ after 54 years.
15. It’s nice that there are major plans in the pipeline for St. Lucia’s Boys Training Centre.
16. The thieves who stole the corpse of the former president of the Republic of Cyprus are undoubtedly naughty. Neither the motive nor the corpse has been uncovered.
17. It was nice that a Vincentian was recognized for his ‘Welectricity’ innovation.
18. It’s nice that the US has organizations to answer kids’ Santa letters but it’s disheartening when they receive a naughty letter from a kid stating “Dear Santa, I am going to kill you and steal the toys from your workshop.”
19. It’s nice that the US pay czar is the one who gets to decide the compensation packages of the companies that received bailout money from the government. Top executes are already fearful and threatening to quit.
Consider yourself up to speed….
Nowadays, there is a reality show for everyone. But the word is that most of them are just as scripted as movies and tv shows. I think that there’s enough ‘real reality’ out there to throw out the scripts, eliminate the casting calls, and terminate the leases on the mansions where these reality shows are hosted. This week, up for consideration by producers:
- Fear Factor: The rest of the world looks on as an obstinate Ahmadinejad moves to increase Iran’s uranium enriching capacity 10-fold.
- The Biggest Losers: Last week a fame-seeking couple showed up uninvited at a White House State Dinner, but this week they turned down an invitation to testify before Congress regarding this security breach.
- Survivor: The Bajan man who said that in November he was pronounced dead but later walked out of the morgue, is now claiming that his car wash business is suffering since people ‘don’t want a ghost around their property.’
- Amazing Race: After years of chasing Osama bin Laden, the US claimed that they’d had him cornered in December 2001 and could have killed or captured him then.
- I Want to Work for Daddy …oops Diddy: While people are vying to work for Diddy, in Ireland no one wants to work for the Father above. They’re experiencing a serious priest shortage.
- Bad Girls Club: Serena Williams was fined a record US $82,500 and put on 2 years probation for her outburst against the lineswoman at the US Open, in September.
- Tool Academy: Principals, teachers and other school staff make up 51.3 per cent of the accused in the sexual and physical abuse cases reported to the Children’s Registry in Jamaica.
- Cheaters: Tiger was right to speak in plural terms (as in ‘those transgressions’); everyday a new mistress comes out of the Woodwork.
- Pimp My Ride: Publicized pictures of Tiger’s smashed up Escalade showed that some bodywork is definitely necessary.
- Extreme Makeover: A former Miss Argentina died as a result of complications associated with plastic surgery on her buttocks.
- America’s Got Talent: Disgraced sprinter Marion Jones has now turned to basketball; she is attempting to make it into the WNBA in 2010.
- Punk’d: After 8 years in Afghanistan, some Americans were hoping that Obama would have brought the troops home. Not so! 30,000 more troops will be heading to Afghanistan.
- The Bachelor: A wedding video made headlines this week. Just before the groom was asked to kiss his bride, he stopped the proceedings to update his Facebook status
- Cops: 250 Trini policemen have been suspended in the last five years for ‘serious’ offenses; in Jamaica, criminals are hiring cops to do their dirty work.
- Sober House: This week, part of a distillery went up in flames in Jamaica almost affecting a residential area, but all local and overseas customers want to know is that they will have enough rum for Christmas.
- Queer Eye for the Straight Guy: A law up for consideration in Uganda proposes a minimum of life in prison for being gay, and imprisonment for up to three years for witnesses who don’t report homosexual activity to police within 24 hours.
- The Hills: Nepal held a cabinet meeting at Mount Everest to bring awareness to climate change issues.
- Project Runaway: The sheikh who so eagerly promoted Dubai’s extravagance is shirking the limelight now that things are not as rosy.
- Hell’s Kitchen: Some Australians are upset about the new kangaroo and emu flavored chips. They’re saying that the snacks encourage people to hunt and eat the native wildlife.
Consider yourself up to speed….
My North American friend, Carolyn, wants to know what some Caribbean terms mean. As the Trinis would say, ‘I find she too damn farse’. But I concede to just 19 (this time); however Ms. Lady will have to read between the lines. I also warned her that Caribbean talk is not as forgiving as what she is used to:
- Slackness: A Canadian woman lost her insurance benefits because while on sick leave she posted vacation photos on Facebook. The pics showed her in slackness – having fun at the beach, a nightclub and her birthday party.
- They dread eh: Iranian authorities are so dread that they confiscated a Nobel Peace medal conferred on a native human rights lawyer.
- Lawd put a hand: In this recession, someone purchased Michael Jackson’s white glove for over US $350,000.
- Star boy: US Pilot Chesley Sullenberger who became a star boy for safely landing in the Hudson River in January, claimed that his feat resulted in ‘rock star sex’ with his wife.
- Dem fellas sick: Two Jamaican thieves were hospitalized after falling from an ackee tree while they were fighting over who had the right to tief from the tree.
- Under heavy manners: Government officials want to have Italians under heavy manners by cancelling lunch breaks. They claim that this will benefit both health and the economy.
- Mate ignorant-ee: is what Colombia’s leader really wanted to say about Chavez and his threats of war when he actually said, “We will not be provoked. The insults bounce off us.”
- Pappyshow: A Japanese gamer officially got married to one of the virtual women in a video game – now that’s pure pappyshow.
- Guava season: In this guava season, Venezuelans are spending more than ever on facelifts, liposuction, and breast augmentations. They say that it helps them forget their money woes.
- Poor jab: A Taiwanese man was robbed of more than $2 million in cash as soon as he withdrew it from the bank.
- Fire burn!: That’s directed at the person who started a group on Facebook urging a mass suicide on December 21st. Approximately 190 people joined the group; Hong Kong police are investigating.
- Anti- man (and that’s being nice): Everyone knows that Adam Lambert from American Idol is an anti-man, but he angered Americans when he kissed a man and smashed another man’s face into his crotch while he performed at the AMAs.
- Bon Dieu!: is what I said when I heard that in Jamaica, a gay man gouged out both of his lover’s eyes because the poor man didn’t sleep at his house on Saturday.
- Feel a how: Rihanna said that she felt a how about the nude photos of her that were leaked onto the internet in May, but she added “If you don’t send your boyfriend naked pictures, then I feel bad for him.”
- Bobol: Ponzi schemer Allen Stanford is suing Lloyd’s of London for defense costs. The insurer refuses to give him additional funds based on the claim that they do not provide coverage for bobol.
- Fete: Hopefully the Commonwealth leaders had no time to fete in Trinidad this week. This summit was supposed to be so serious that it was actually referred to as a “crisis summit” due to the recession and climate change issues.
- Big Up: to St. Lucia. 209 yachts are headed there as part of the 24th ARC.
- A-A: is all I could manage when I heard that a US man wanted to shop; therefore he locked his two young sons (3and6 yrs) in the trunk of his car while he did so.
- In two twos: A beer with an alcohol content of 32% was launched in Scotland. Some are upset because this means that in two twos they will be tipsy.
(Carolyn and all yuh) consider yourselves up to speed…..
After seeing the movie 2012, I’m thinking that we need to enjoy the rest of our days here just in case the Mayans were right. Here are your 19 Dos and Don’ts to keep you safe and happy for the next three years:
- Don’t bow (in Jamaica or otherwise): Some Americans are upset, saying that Obama’s deep bow at the waist while meeting Japan’s Emperor Akihito was disgraceful.
- Do watch what you eat: Russian police have arrested three homeless men suspected of killing and eating a man then selling the rest of the corpse to a local kebab house.
- Do follow tradition: A Jamaican man attacked his wife with a machete for preparing canned mackerel and white rice as ‘Sunday food’.
- Do wear proper underwear: A thief was caught in a small window and his pants fell off as a result of all the wriggling. And for the hours the cops tried to free him, the world got to watch his boxers.
- Do something new: Oprah will move on; her show will end on its 25th anniversary, in 2011.
- Do lose weight: In Peru, four people were arrested on suspicion of killing people to sell their fat and tissue for cosmetic production in Europe.
- Do seek asylum: A young man in Jamaica, who went to purchase tampons for his girlfriend, was beaten by a group of men who called him a ‘mama man’.
- Don’t pass judgment: In Trinidad, a man sentenced to hang warned the trial judge that he “will pay.”
- Do start a neighbourhood watch: A Missouri girl killed her 9-year-old neighbor because she “wanted to know what it felt like”.
10. Do find love: A 94 year old man in Barbados just got married again. It’s his 4th marriage.
11. Don’t question the obvious: South African teen, Caster Semenya gets to keep her medal but the results of her gender tests will not be made public.
12. Do ignore the bill of rights (but not the bill): An American couple was arrested and charged for ‘theft’ for not giving a tip after they finished their meal at a restaurant.
13. Do take advantage of happy hours: A study showed that men who drink alcohol every day cut their risk of heart disease by more than a third.
14. Do appreciate freeness: At a bookstore in US, customers who buy Palin’s new book will receive a free bag of “Just Plain Nutz.”
15. Don’t mix up Big Mac and Mac Daddy: Some white teenage boys will go to court for rapping their order at a McDonald’s drive thru in Utah.
16. Do choose your friends carefully: Trinidad plans to fight crime by posting photographs and other information about wanted criminals on Facebook.
17. Do avoid Bòbòl: Based on a corruption index, Barbados was found to be the least corrupt in the Caribbean. Out of 180 countries they ranked 20th; St. Lucia ranked 22nd .
18. Don’t be jaded: St.Lucia’s Jade Mountain won the first ever Gava Gold Award.
19. Don’t take this lightly: Iranian leader, Ahmadinejad wants an alliance with Venezuelan bad boy Chavez.
Consider yourself up to speed….
Every week when we read/hear the news, at least once we go, “What? How could they do that?” This shows that it takes all kinds of people to make this world of ours go ‘round. This week particularly, we learned about:
1) A Copycat: Sosa, a former baseball player (and former black man) now looks suspiciously light skinned.
2) A Sousè/Tattler: A co-worker called the police on a pilot who was intoxicated but intent on flying from the UK to the US.
3) Frustrated People: A Guyanese woman jumped off Kaieteur Falls; her friend committed suicide using her father’s gun, a few days later.
4) A Bold-faced Woman: The lady attacked by a chimp in February, revealed her disfigured face on Oprah.
5) Authorities on Beauty: According to BeautifulPeople.com, Britons are among the ugliest in the world.
6) An ‘Unphotogenic’ man: Tyson assaulted a photographer at LAX. No, there was no ear biting involved.
7) A Photogenic man: A British fugitive sent a picture of himself to the local paper because he disliked the mug shot they’d published.
8) The Recently Gone: The US reported approx. 4000 swine flu deaths and the UK, 182.
9) The Long Gone: 11th November was Remembrance Day, Armistice day, Poppy Day, Veterans Day. Hope you remembered!
10) The Accomplished: St. Lucia’s Tourism Minister won the 2009 Caribbean Travel Personality.
11) Sparring Neighbors: Chavez threatened Colombia with war; Columbia ran to the Security Council.
12) Weight Watchers: A Trini judge urged remanded prisoners to go on a hunger strike to protest the state of the justice system.
13) Amateurs: Another sex tape surfaced. This time it involves former Ms. Universe contestant, Anya Ayoung-Chee.
14) The Trigger Happy: A South African minister urged police to shoot to kill criminals.
15) The Guilty: Balloon boy’s parents pled guilty to charges to avoid the mother’s deportation.
16) The Not So Guilty: A Facebook message exonerated a suspected robber who’d posted a message on the site just one minute before the robbery.
17) The Sick: Kareem Abdul–Jabbar is being treated for a rare form of leukemia.
18) The Petrified: Gay Caribbean people are seeking asylum in the US as they insist that grave danger waits at home. They still remember the infamous ‘Boom By By’
19) A Good Samaritan: A Jamaican man safely returned a baby found in the car he’d stolen.
Consider yourself up to speed….
When the going gets tough, what do you do? We all act differently as the 19 incidents from this week indicate.
1) Remain calm and resolute: The Obama documentary “By the People” debuted and showed that that was how the presidency was won.
2) Bully someone: Two male Beefeaters were suspended for bullying the first ever female warder.
3) Get if off your chest: Rihanna gave details of her abuse by Chris Brown.
4) Take a vacation: The first hotel in space will be opened in 2012. There, guests will experience the sunrise 15 times a day and go around the world every 80 minutes.
5) Undo it: Antigua is looking to revoke Allan Stanford’s knighthood.
6) Come together: Caribbean states are in favor of lifting the US embargo on Cuba.
7) Torture someone: Guyanese police set the genitals of a minor ablaze, burnt the insides of mouth with cigarettes and beat him.
8) Overcome: Yankees beat Phillies.
9) Hide: A 7 month baby girl who was reported missing for 5 days was actually found alive under the bed in their house.
10) Evacuate: The UN will pull 600 staff from Afghanistan.
11) Shop: Nicolas Cage has bought yachts, a jet, a castle, over 50 cars, two islands, a dinosaur skull, human skulls etc.
12) Do nothing: Chris Gayle remains the captain of the West Indian cricket team.
13) Act a fool: Michael Jordan’s son wore Nike sneakers to play on an Adidas sponsored team, and cost the team their sponsor.
14) Bury the hatchet: Manning and Panday try to work together for a new Trini constitution.
15) Relieve your bladder: An Englishman urinated over a war memorial and could face jail time as a result.
16) Go berserk: A US army psychiatrist, trained to help soldiers in distress, killed 13 and wounded 30 soldiers on base in Texas.
17) Retire: Bolt’s head coach retires after 22 years as the national senior head coach.
18) Strike: Water authority workers in St. Lucia threatened to shut down the tourist sector and in fact the enter island with their strike action.
19) Die and rise again: A ‘dead’ man was said to have walked out of a morgue in Barbados.
Consider yourself (aware of more options and) up to speed…
“This Is It” received rave reviews globally but MJ was not the only one who made the headlines. Who wanted to be ‘It’? Who/what was trying to steal the spotlight from him? The culprits are:
1) The Yankees and the Phillies
2) Michael Jackson himself: It is alleged that pictures taken at Jackson’s autopsy have been leaked.
3) Pakistanis: They gave Hilary Clinton a sound thrashing.
4) Swine flu: A national emergency was declared in the US on account of the H1N1.
5) An American hotelier: he forbade Hispanic employees from speaking Spanish and forced them to anglicize their names
6) A Home Depot employee: He got fired for refusing to take off a pin bearing “One Nation Under God, Indivisible”.
7) The pilots who were distracted for over an hour last week: They got their licenses revoked.
8) British Airways: They added 2000 additional seats to the Caribbean.
9) Tight pants on Indonesian women: These will be banned.
10) Trinidad, Barbados, Bahamas and Cuba: Out of 134 countries they ranked 19, 21, 28 and 29 respectively, based on equality of men and women.
11) Fidel Castro’s sister: She accused Fidel of still holding the power in Raul’s government.
12) Chavez: He sent a message to Obama to start earning his Nobel Peace Prize.
13) Criminals brandishing mobile phone guns: It Is In, in T&T.
14) The culmination of Cancer Awareness month; Creole Heritage month in St. Lucia; Tourism Awareness month in St. Kitts and Nevis.
15) Former PM of Grenada, Keith Mitchell: A Grenadian newspaper has to be liquidated to pay him US$71,000 in his libel suit against them.
16) St.Lucia’s Crusader newspaper: They called for the sick, accommodated at the George Odlum Sports Stadium after St. Jude’s hospital fire, to be evicted.
17) Andre Agassi: He was ‘Open’ and admitted to using crystal meth during his career.
18) Bolt: He can’t outrun a cheetah but he adopted one in Kenya.
19) A 5 year old Romanian boy: he has a six pack and a sculpted body. It’s a curious case. Don’t believe me? http://www.nydailynews.com/money/work_career/2009/10/26/2009-10-26_photos_fiveyearold_has_six_pack_breaks_records.html
Amid the jostling for the limelight, you can still Consider yourself up to speed…