What a Wick: the last 7 days in 20 (30th April to 6th May 2011)

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I’m picking up from where I left off last year — Momisms! Remember? Those one-liners are a part of your life, even though you’re no longer under your mother’s roof. Don’t ever say your mother gave you nothing. Ingrate! The lady gave you a long list of expressions for every occasion! I’m giving you 20 this Wick (Ah feeling a little generous meh- self).

  1. “Two man crab can’t live in  de same hole.” Osama bin Laden is dead!
  2. “Where you think you going dressed like that?” In the US, hawkers are raking in thousands selling shirts, bags, even baby clothes with words celebrating bin Laden’s death.
  3. “You were born alone, so what’s the problem?” A US village now has a population of one; it’s the only incorporated village in the US with a single resident.
  4. “I’m not talking just to hear my voice you know.” Fidel Castro has criticized the US for killing bin Laden in front of his family.
  5. “When I was young, we had respect for our elders, now look at the world.” Two “marijuana grannies” (72 and 65 year olds) have been jailed for growing marijuana plants in their home.
  6. You think I have a money tree or what?” An Italian groom, who was left at the altar after spending hundreds of thousands on a wedding, is suing the runaway bride for 500,000 Euros.
  7. “I’m doing this for your own good.” An Austrian deacon moves from one supermarket to the next offering free spiritual guidance and counseling to grocery shoppers.
  8. “Don’t put that in your mouth. You don’t know where it’s been.” The European commission has approved the use of Viagra to treat children with a rare, deadly lung condition.
  9. “You have an answer for everything, don’t you?” A US university is blaming “defective” toilet paper for its plumbing troubles.

10. “Always wear clean underwear because you never know when you will end up in an accident.” US police found a young man in his bedroom dressed in a bra and panties, lying next to a dead goat.

11. “Once you’re under my roof, you will follow my rules.” All new employees at a Chinese company must pledge not to attempt suicide. In the written pledge, they agree that their families would receive minimum compensation if they broke that promise.

12. “When you have children of your own, you will understand.” According to research, Norway is the best place in the world to be a mother; Afghanistan is the worst.

13. “You deaf or what?” In the US, two deaf men were stabbed at a bar by because a woman mistook their sign language for gang signs.

14. “You can’t find anything better to do?” A Swedish student beat out thousands to secure the job of ‘beach tester’.  Her job includes “going on excursions, lying on beach chairs, testing drinks, receiving full-body massages and reading. Candidates must be able to do nothing for extended periods of time.”

15. “Don’t ever let me catch you doing that again.” According to Dutch researchers sex, nose- blowing and coffee are stroke triggers.

16. “At your age, I don’t expect that from you.” According to Yahoo, many teens took to the web to find out “Who is Osama bin Laden guy” on Sunday, after the news of his demise broke.

17. “I’ve spoken to you already about the company you keep. Who doh want to hear, will feel.” A prisoner at a US jail lost a tooth when he tried to break up a fight between two prison guards. The guards were fighting over a bag of chips.

18. “Trust me, this hurts me more than it hurts you.” Toni Braxton pulled out of a Mother’s Day concert in Trinidad because of death threats. Those who bought tickets had to be refunded.

19. “Don’t EVER let me catch you doing that again!” US Police arrested a homeless man who failed to notify them that he had moved out of the rubbish bin he’d listed as his address.

20. “Your father will deal with that!” A bank in India has 5000 customers, no security gates, guards or locks. They believe that the grace of God protects the bank from theft.

Consider yourselves up to speed…

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