What a Royal Wick: the last 7 days in 16 (23rd – 29th April 2011)

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THE WEDDING eclipsed everything.  Reporters went ‘inside the royal wedding’, offered ‘the real scoop on the royal wedding’, and provided ‘countdowns to the wedding’. I felt pressured to add my two cents; therefore, I dish out advice to the newlyweds:

  1. Keep no secrets: Obama publicized a full version of his birth certificate to silence the critics.
  2. Choose your battles: “I heard he was a terrible student. Not like okay, I heard he was a bad student. How does a bad student then go to Columbia and then go to Harvard? How does this happen? He’s a bad student, gets in to Columbia, top, top school. Gets into Harvard, top, top, top school,” said Donald Trump about President Obama.
  3. Clear the air to avoid resentment: A company is selling bottles of ‘Royal wedding day air”. On the wedding day a team of ‘trained professionals’ went around London collecting samples of the air to capture the essence of the day.”
  4. Keep lines of communication open: An Israeli telecoms company has designed a “sin free” smart phone for Jews. “This phone has no text messages, Internet access, Facebook or email. It doesn’t even have a camera…And if you call from it on the Sabbath, you will pay an exorbitant price of 10 shekels ($3/2 Euros) per minute.”
  5. Never stop dating: Russia introduced  “spiritual nightclubs.”  Tea and reading replace the usual nightclub debauchery.
  6. Don’t point fingers; find solutions: A depressed New Zealander cut off his finger, cooked it with vegetables and ate it.
  7. Respect each other always: Women around the world will support the SlutWalk; they will dress provocatively and march to protest a Canadian policeman’s comments that “Women should avoid dressing like sluts in order not to be victimized.”
  8. Remember that this is forever: A British man tattooed pictures of Will and Kate on his front teeth. ”I love the Royal Family and this was my way of lending my support to their Big Day,” he said.
  9. Remember what matters to the other: Scientists found that absent-mindedness could be the result of some tired parts of the brain taking a quick nap.

10. Don’t get caught up in a routine: A gym in Spain caters to those who want to work out in the nude.

11. No name-calling: Academics insist that calling animals ‘pets’ is insulting and that the more appropriate term “companion animals” should be used.

12. Don’t abandon your friends and family: The Gladd Company is a US company that sells suicide kits for $60. A 91-year-old woman owns and runs this company.

13. Maintain intimacy: A US town has passed a law to control when chickens and roosters can do the deed; boastful roosters (i.e those that crow too loudly and too long after the deed) can be banned from the property for two years.

14. Don’t rush to have children: India’s population now stands at 1.2 billion, putting India on track to become the world’s most populous country.

15. Put effort into looking good for each other: US bandits made away with $90,000 in ‘top of the line’ human hair. The thieves broke into a store and made it through a huge steel door to get to the hair.

16. Pray together: A Malaysian man beat and stabbed his wife because she insisted on waking him to pray when he was not ready to get up.

Consider yourselves up to speed…

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