What a Wick: the last 7 days in 19 (31st July to 6th August, 2010)

Standard

“Didn’t you get the memo?” takes on a whole new meaning when uttered by an eye and neck rolling not-so-smart aleck. I had the displeasure of witnessing an outta place cashier ask this of a paying customer yesterday, and Ms. Thang should have gotten a memo— Re: Check yourself…outta here!

While I’m on the topic of memos, here are 19 others you should have gotten this week (and I mean that in the nicest, non-smart-aleckish kind of way).

  1. Re: Fu-Gee-La. “The United States has Obama, here you’re going to have Wyclef,” a self-assured Jean commented after officially launching his bid for the Haitian Presidency.
  2. Re: Regional domination. Latin America and the Caribbean boast the highest rates of non-communicable and lifestyle diseases in the world.
  3. Re: Ensuring staff compliance. In the US, a thief called a fast-food restaurant twice to complain about the meager amount he’d secured from the robbing the said establishment. He advised the staff, ” Next time there better be more than $586.”
  4. Re: Effective color-coding. Researchers have established that women found men attired in red very attractive.
  5. Re: No positions available: The British government has banned employment agencies from facilitating employment for strippers and other sex industry workers.
  6. Re: Team builders. North Korea’s football coach has been handed his punishment for his team’s wanting performance at the World Cup — he will work as a builder.
  7. Re: Making connections. Antiguans are concerned that the use of vaginal washes and inserts by local women could be related to the increase in throat cancer among their men.
  8. Re: Consistency of a melting pot. In Britain, each Chinese takeaway meal contains on average the equivalent of a wineglass full of lard.
  9. Re: Tips for the unemployed. Four Chinese workers claiming  wrongful dismissal cut off their fingertips and swallowed them in protest.

10. Re: Review of classification process. Italy crowned a 375-pound woman ‘Miss Chubby’ this week.

11. Re: Anticipating stony rejections. Brazil offered asylum to the Iranian woman sentenced to death by stoning. Iran declined.

12. Re: Transparency and accountability. Japanese are scurrying to locate 32 centenarians after it was discovered that the man who was considered the ‘oldest living man’ in Japan had actually been dead for over 30 years.

13. Re: Business as usual. Chris Gayle claimed to be unfazed by calls for him to be sacked as captain of the West Indian team.

14. Re: Identifying timewasters. Edward Seaga, former Prime Minister of Jamaica, claimed that Caricom is not and has never been a viable organization

15. Re: Gunplay. In Australia any item resembling a gun, even a toy, must be licensed.

16. Re: Call for a rest. Sussex police want to curb the high number of absurd calls coming through on the emergency hotline; people call if they can’t find their slippers, don’t like their hotel room, if their food was delivered late, if their drains smell….

17. Re: Bargaining power. Cuban authorities are demanding that Cuba be scratched off the terrorism blacklist recently issued by the US.

18. Re: Accepting the gift of life. Obama was disappointed that he was not able to celebrate his 49th birthday with a cake. The Secret Service squashed the cake idea as a safety measure.

19. Re: Dancing around the matter. A Turkish man who was caught hitting, kicking and strangling his wife in a public place in New Zealand argued in court that what was witnessed was actually a traditional Turkish dance performed with his wife.

Consider yourselves up to speed…

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