We have the crime situation on the brain and at a time like this it’s doubly difficult if you lack confidence in the police force. This week I overheard a cop questioning someone and it became clear why cases are not being solved – some of these guys have not learnt the art of questioning! This is what I mean:
- An American man faces criminal charges for calling 911 and asking that the police come to arrest his mother for taking his beer. [What size beer was it Sir?]
- A judge has handed down punishment to a US teenager who defecated into another boy’s drink; the victim unknowingly sipped the drink. [What proof do you have that it was fecal matter?]
- Dudus is still at large but his brother gave himself up to Jamaican police this week. [Are you aware that we are looking for your brother?]
- Fidel Castro commented that Obama lived in a fantasy world constructed by his advisers. [Did they get a building permit for that?]
- The World Cancer Research Fund criticized FIFA for aligning itself with companies like Coca Cola, McDonalds and Budweiser that sell unhealthy products. [How well do you know these people you’ve been hanging out with lately?]
- West Indian bowler, Benn, was fined 100% of his match fee for disobeying a directive from captain Gayle. [Benn, don’t you know that this is not a good time to mess with a Jamaican?].
- The 65-year-old man believed to have recorded the best time ever in the London Marathon had actually taken a 10-mile short cut. [Pops, by chance you remember the route you took that day?]
- A Citibank worker claimed that she was fired because of her level of attractiveness. [What evidence do you have that you’re that hot?].
- In Finland, police are investigating the theft of virtual furniture off a popular social networking site. [Where were you when it happened?]
10. China is building a school to teach zoo-raised pandas how to exist in the wild. [And this is an all panda school you say?]
11. The ‘World’s Ugliest Dog’ died at age 17. [Who was with you at the time of death?]
12. A pedestrian who got struck by a car is suing Google for being “careless, reckless, and negligent” in providing directions. [Can you think of any reason why Google would target you like this?]
13. Allan Chastanet pointed out that the situation in Jamaica is affecting tourism in the region as a whole. [You have a right to remain silent…do you understand these rights?”]
14. An Australian bird consumed too many sausages and became too fat to fly and has therefore been sent to a centre for training and dieting. [Do you suspect fowl play in this situation?]
15. In a British Airways company magazine a boarding pass illustration dated 26th October 2010 bore the name Osama bin Laden. The company has apologized. [Are you aware that bin Laden is on the no fly list?]
16. 6 men will be paid £70,000 each to live in a sealed container for the next 18 months for a mock mission to Mars. Their only contact with the outside will be via email. [What happens when you all get there?]
17. Japan got its 6th PM in 4 years. [So how long has this been going on?]
18. In northern Italy women who are considering abortions because of financial difficulties will be paid to keep the babies. [So how do you plan on spending all that money?]
19. A Russian mayor was accused of beating a 69-year-old woman who opened the door too slowly when he dropped by his office late one night. [So ma’am you agree that you were under the speed limit?].
Consider yourselves up to speed….