What a Wick: the last 7 days in 19 (1st-7th May, 2010)

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Mammee, mummy, mom, mother, ma.  She’s a special lady ent? So full of love, wisdom and momisms. I’m sure that your mom is quite adept at delivering those one/two liners, aided by piercing stares or (if you’ve really messed up) taps behind the head. Turns out mothers do know best and here we see a broader application of their momisms:

 1.  “When your father comes home he will deal with you.” A German man has married his companion of 10 years – his cat! He said of his bride, “Cecilia is such a trusting creature. We cuddle all the time and she has always slept in my bed.”

2.  “Go and shake the money tree in the backyard.” T&T has acquired Air Jamaica and the republic is supposedly eying LIAT.

3. “When you have your own house then you can make the rules!” Vybz Kartel suggested that regional leaders are idle since they have time to focus on banning performers based on lyrical content.

4. “I’m tired of talking to you about those people you call your friends.” The unsuccessful Time Square bomber was supposedly working on behalf of the Pakistani Taliban.

5. “Speak better than that. All that money I’m spending on school for you.” A man walked into a police station in Grenada carrying a bucket with two severed human heads and announced, “I have two heads for all yuh.” 

6.  “Are your arms broken? Clean it up; I’m not your maid!” BP has the huge task of cleaning up the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.

7. “You think have the answer for everything, don’t you?” The first ever divorce fair will be held in Italy. Private investigators, makeover consultants and other experts will help those faced with a divorce ‘turn over a new leaf’.

8.  “I don’t care who started it, I said stop it!” A US church will hold monthly worship services for dogs in an effort to help them secure a place in heaven.

9.  “Don’t play with that; you will hurt yourself.” Friends of a 59 yr old man jokingly inserted an eel into his anus. The eel ate up his intestines leading to his death.  

10.“You’re trying to embarrass me? I brought you into this world and I can take you out.” A Russian politician publicly admitted that he’d met aliens and that he’d even visited their spaceship. As a result of this admission, he’s being investigated by the Russian government.

11. “Always wear clean underwear in case you get in an accident.” A South Korean woman finally got her driver’s license after trying 960 times.

12. “Make up you mind. Everyday is a different story with you.” Elvis Presley allegedly died from constipation and not from a heart condition as previously thought.

13.“Life’s not fair; deal with it! A poll found that 93% of French people are perpetual complainers.

14.“Over my dead body!” A Jordanian man received the death sentence for murdering his wife and cutting her body up into small pieces because she did not feel up to having sex with him at the time.  

15. “When I was a little girl, things were not like this.” A professor lamented the fact that crime is now considered normal in Jamaica. “The extraordinary has become the ordinary and we have become numb to it,” he said.

16.“One day you will cross the wrong person and you will learn.” In the US, a woman knocked down Lord Jesus Christ (the man’s legal name) as he crossed the street!

17. “God made you so for a reason.” A little Chinese boy fell out of a window of a storied building, but his ears got caught in a metal rail and this saved his life.

18.“Sometime I wish I could go far from here.” The concept of a floating hotel – Aircruise— is being developed by a UK company.

19. “Answer me when I ask you a question.” Are you taking your mom to any of the St. Lucia Jazz events this weekend?  

Consider yourselves up to speed….

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