What a Wick: the last 7 days in 19 (10-16 April, 2010)

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Do you have a friend who has no filter, no tact and no idea that every thought should not be shared? You must have that friend who ignores nudges, kicks under tables, fake coughs, your crazy facial twitching and rapid eye movements. One on one you’re cool, but when you’re in public with that person, you brace yourself for anything.

Well, I am blessed with such a friend, and this week I drew her into a conversation about my Wick items without revealing my intentions beforehand. The italicized portions represent an edited version (of course!) of her responses.

1. In New Zealand, a man was arrested for leaving his baby alone in a car at 3 am while he patronized a strip club. Don’t you realize that it’s only two places making money nowadays- strip clubs and sex rehabs? How’s that for a stimulus plan?

2. Oprah’s unauthorized biography was released this week, and it revealed that the white man she was living with in the 70s snuck out on her one night because he felt unable to deal with the pressures of being in an interracial relationship.  If you see the state of the man. He did her a favor …

3. This week there was an earthquake in China, a volcanic eruption in Iceland, a cyclone in India, locusts in Australia. God is definitely not happy about something. What they doing to piss off the man so?

4. A British man was halfway to France on the ferry when he realized that he’d accidentally left his elderly mother-in-law in the port’s car park. Accidentally you say? (laughs) You know how long he must have been planning that…

5. A British woman fell off her Wii and consequently developed sexual arousal syndrome; this means that she gets aroused whenever she feels vibrations from cell phones or other devices. Well she’s probably the only person who would enjoy travelling on LIAT…by the way, you know the price of a Wii?

6. This week ten million Hindus, including ash-covered naked holy men, bathed in the Ganges River to be cleansed of their sins. Cleansed? Sorry, but I rather sponge with a cup of water…

7. Trinidad’s UNC brought two of the strategists who helped Obama win to work their magic for that party in upcoming elections. If they win, that’s an investment that will pay great dividends to Jack.

8. In Malta, a mayor tried to get a sculpture resembling a penis near a roadside removed before the Pope’s visit this weekend. Isn’t the Pope a man? My guess is that he’s seen one of those before.

9. The Chairman of the OECS said that crime is the biggest challenge facing the OECS nations. I hope that they’re counting bòbòl in government as crime too…

10.  Thousands of homeless Haitians were evicted from the country’s national stadium. “We need to revive football,” an official said to justify the move. But wait, that’s sounding familiar…

11.  Padded bikini bras for 7 year old girls were being sold in London until protest forced stores to pull the product. We know who was selling; the better question is who was buying…

12.  The West Indian cricket team triumphed over Ireland. I got off that rollercoaster ride long time ago.

13.  Haiti still plans to hold elections this year despite the devastation. That sounds like more devastation to me.

14.  A new study claims that the brain is designed to handle no more than two tasks at a time. Great! Now I have an excuse to use at work…

15.  A burglar in the US who got caught stuck in ventilation system of a store he had tried to rob claimed he’d merely been playing hide and seek, and that the players had stopped looking for him because he’d hidden so well. Right now his mother must be more embarrassed by that excuse than his actual behavior! Cause I am, and I don’t even know him.

16.  A UN study reported that more people have access to cell phones than to toilets in India. Oh, so that’s why they say cell phones have more germs than toilet seats. There are no toilets!!

17.  Hugh Hefner publicly criticized Tiger Woods and Jesse James for their womanizing ways. The same Hugh Hefner? Playboy mansion Hugh Hefner? Oh, I forgot he is 80something –lucidity slipping.

18.  An Australian company has designed high tech underwear for men who are too busy to hit the gym. It’s supposed to make them look slimmer. It’s a girdle! No need to try to make it sound macho!

19.  A 19 year old university student was arrested and will face charges for stealing 79 pairs of thongs from female students on his campus. I guess no one told him about the high tech under wears. Oh well…

 Consider yourselves up to speed… (thanks to my gauche friend )

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One response »

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