T&T carnival is on this weekend! Trinidadians call their carnival the greatest show on earth and soca music is used to coordinate the whole shebang. With soca it’s always “instruction time”, and while it’s ok to follow some directions, you should never absent discretion. Keep your head on.
1) Don’t count on a particular teenage girl from England being there “jouvert morning”. She suffers from Sleeping Beauty Syndrome and can sleep for as long as 13 days at a time.
2) A German man definitely “got on bad” when he robbed an arcade only by threatening to hit the cashier with a coffee mug. The cashier definitely wasn’t saying “give it to me”.
3) Though you’ve been instructed to go “down de road” and “bounce somebody”, don’t take it literally, even if the somebody is already lying in the middle of the road. A Bermudian man was found liable for the death of a countryman in such a situation.
4) If you’re like Sarah Palin, in that you write important notes on your hands, it’s probably not a good idea to “put your hands in the air.”
5) An Austrian gave up his £3 million fortune because he claimed to be unhappy. Hope he knows that the soca singers’ happiness came from “chipping on the pavement” and not “sleeping on the pavement”.
6) “Bend over and touch de ground” is quite possibly what the Jamaican who caught trying to smuggle cocaine out of the country was told. He had the drugs stashed away in his anus.
7) Venezuelans held a prayer meeting in hopes of solving the power crisis and their water shortage woes so they’re praying for “excess energy” and for “bodies to be soaking wet.”
8) “Jump up, jump up!” I imagine that the Jamaican teacher who got flogged with a belt by his principal did just that. The principal took such action because he thought that the teacher should have been in class and not idling in the staffroom.
9) Seven men were finally arrested for stealing $1 million in valuables from Brian Lara’s house last year. If they were asked to “wave their flags”, there would be 6 Guyanese flags, 1 Jamaican flag.
10) An Australian swallowed 18 swords to set a new Guinness World Record. There should have been no mention of “jukking” at the time of his performance.
11) A US man tried to purchase crack with a credit card. This is what Ricky T would refer to as “mad, ma, ma, mad, ma, ma, mad….”
12) An Israeli man enslaved 17 women and 37 children but he maintained that he was good to them and apparently they were just “palancing”.
13) The “big truck” is not always a symbol of fun. A Jamaican got hit by a Courts truck, and this week Courts was ordered to pay him $ 1.53 million worth of Viagra (out of a total settlement of $45.85 million) since he now suffers from erectile dysfunction as a result.
14) For Amy Whinehouse, it’s “time to breakaway” to work on a new album. She’s headed to Jamaica to do so.
15) The tapeworm diet is becoming very popular in Hong Kong as women aspire to be thin at all costs. Officials are warning against it for health reasons. Soca is pleading against it for the sake of the “bomper” which the ladies need to “roll”, “shake” and “wine”.
16) New pictures of the 9/11 devastation, when the terrorist sadly “mash up de place”, were finally released this week.
17) An Arab ambassador called off his wedding, after he discovered that his fiancée had a beard and was cross-eyed. Thank goodness he “push back” that veil before those I Do’s.
18) This week, Bill Clinton underwent a heart procedure and he’s recovering nicely, but no “jamming on somebody” or “grooving in a party” allowed yet.
19) The “Wickedest whine” is the best way to describe China’s continued insistence that Obama should not meet with the Dalai Lama. China warns that this will put a further stain on US – China relations.
Consider yourselves up to speed…..