Author Archives: pilaiye

What a Wick: the last 7 days in 13 (5th to 11th April 2014) By Pilaiye Cenac

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A fan of “Wick” refuses to believe that there’s so much weirdness in our world.
Her words: “How are those things even remotely, reasonably, technically, humanly, logically possible?!”
My response: “Well, apparently they are some-kinda-possible!”

Need more proof? See below…

  1. A Norwegian fisherman caught a fish and found a massive vibrator inside of it.
  2. An Italian man was sentenced to six months in jail for “being too good at sex”. His girlfriend’s loud moaning during their lovemaking “terrorized” his neighbors.
  3. A Pakistani judge dismissed the attempted murder charge brought against a 9-month-old boy in a case revealing a dysfunctional justice system.
  4. Chinese authorities claim that they cannot take any action against a kindergarten teacher who urinated in a female colleague’s flask. Tests revealed that the perpetrator had no infectious diseases and as a result he had caused no ‘harm’.
  5. A Chinese businessman captured a jar of clean air in France and sold it for ¥5,250 (£500) when he returned home.
  6. In the US, an atheist thought his roommate was Jesus and attacked him.
  7. An Australian woman blames rats for the collapse of her house. She is convinced that the rats ate the house from the inside out.
  8. A NY nursing home has been hiring strippers to ‘entertain’ its residents on a regular basis. The son of a resident is suing the home.
  9. A Chinese man had to be rushed to the hospital after using a skipping rope as a sex toy; he’d inserted the rope up his urethra for sexual pleasure.
  10. A cinema in England was forced to cancel the first screening of the movie Noah due to flooding.
  11. The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM) has applied to be an official religion in Poland.
  12. A sewage treatment plant in the US is advertising as a wedding venue.
  13. A US man who tried to avoid being charged with marijuana possession told cops the marijuana found in the car was not his because he had stolen the car.

Consider yourselves up to speed…..

Decode this message

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Reporter: What you think about flooding in Castries?

Man: Well actually you know the flooding in Castries I find it very been normalised yuh know….because from youngs, young boy growing up, you know,  I always find that before a big rain heavy shower fall   St. Lucia is always been flooded. So I find I’m very used to that. So I find it’s normal you know.  But the situation could just be as normalised….

Reporter: And what do you think about VAT coming up?

Man: Well, so far so good. You know, life moves on. So life goes and comes. That’s how we take it. So it’s not all that a big deal. We just have to make time you know for certain things, even financially

Reporter: And what about um… the government giving the bus drivers financial support?

Man: Well actually I find that they supposed to be determine that to put an axe on the bus drivers because they would loiter around with the girls and all these things. I want these fellas to be very mediarized  close look of what is going on of our humanity, and our race. These fellas are in charge of our life. So we dealing with our life. These fellas there like is life water when it comes to, how you saying it again, getting you to your destination. So these fellas are sort of like….they are destination leaders or community leaders. So these guys have to go through some training facility: go to La Borde; go to the gym. They have, they have certain places, even Singer have to open a gym there too for the workers. Even the speculators have to have a gym for when you go overseas. You have to be fit from the Caribbean growth. Even all the bartenders, they link up with some….all of the foods products, like VAT have to put all these facility of sporting activity in these people and make sure that they call them on time, that they could get their physical supplement from the the the the the……how you say it….the facilities. These guys have to be like under arrest with our our….how you say it again…..the public eyes overseeing these fellas. It’s just like when you go to the military: these guys are militarians.

You need to take care of things sister. I don’t just come….imagine that, I would like to come and say that openly that I am the onliest guy in professionally made, flesh and blood in likeness and image like God Jesus Christ twin brother, and I have resurrect …..I cannot even count the amount of humans I’ve, I’ve resurrect from the dead. People before you all call Crick or Rambally, please calls…what what, what our, our company related?? What, what..give us our link….what are my linked to….what are our links?

What a Wick: the last 7 days in 19 (4th to 10th August 2012)

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Wow…my head is spinning. The following stories need no introduction. Hmmmm…that was an introduction, wasn’t it? Oh well…

 

  1. A 46-year old UK man broke his father’s hip when he attacked the old man for bringing the wrong KFC order home.
  2. A US man set a gas station toilet on fire and told police that he did it for “religious reasons.”
  3. A UK man died in a house fire sparked by his overheated TV. The man had committed to watching hours of Olympic coverage – the TV couldn’t handle it.
  4. Ultra-Orthodox Jewish Israeli men now have the option of wearing glasses to blur their vision and prevent them from seeing immodestly dressed women.
  5. In the UK, some citizens are trying to bar a Canadian preacher’s entry because they object to his ‘healing techniques’. For example in one situation, the preacher said that the “Holy Spirit” had told him to kick a sick elderly woman in the face with his biker boot. “Just as my boot made contact with her nose, she fell under the power of God.”
  6. An Indian company will produce Valentine’s Day cards from elephant dung.
  7. Scientists have developed a nasal spray called the ‘cuddle drug’ to help couples who fight constantly. The spray calms women and makes men more sensitive and positive during arguments.
  8. Psychologists have found that it is better to get angry than take the ‘forgive and forget’ route. This is based on the idea that forgiveness may eventually build up to resentment.
  9. A US man called 911 to ask if they would be able to give him a ride to buy beer.

10. A UK man almost burned his house down when he tried to dry his socks and underwear in the microwave.

11. An Indian man has not bathed in 38 years. He stopped taking baths in 1974 when his priest advised that this could increase his chances of having a son. Since then, he has fathered 7 daughters, no sons.

12. A US man ordered a TV from Amazon.com but received a semiautomatic assault rifle instead.

13. A study has found that when men are under stress they find heavier women more attractive.

14. In China, doctors removed a spider from a woman’s ear after she’d gone to the hospital to complain of itching inside her left ear. The spider had been in her ear for 5 days before her trip to the hospital.

15. In the UK, a seaside sandcastle competition was called off because there was insufficient sand at the seaside.

16. A US man attacked his mother and smeared dog feces on her face. According to the police report, “The defendant stated that he did not push her but he did rub dog defecation on her face because she yelled at him.”

17. In Norway, a woman tried to steal a 42-inch TV from a store by hiding it under her skirt.

18. A US man pleaded guilty to breaking into a barn and performing oral sex on a female horse.

19. Bolt won the title “greatest-ever sprinter” and on that same day he let the world know that he had no respect for Carl Lewis who’d tried to take away his thunder. According to Carl Lewis, “Countries like Jamaica do not have a random (drugs testing) program, so they can go months without being tested. I’m not saying anyone is on anything, but everyone needs to be on a level playing field.”

 

Consider yourselves up to speed…

What a Wick: the last 7 days in 14 (23rd to 29th June 2012)

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“In a world where…” is a well-known phrase used to introduce movie trailers. No matter how silly, low budget, awe-uninspiring the movie, this phrase delivered by the right voiceover artist, lends an air of importance/seriousness. They make it ‘sound’ like a good movie…though it aint!

Let’s makes those news items sound read worthy… 

  1. In a world where we are forced to choose sides… US thieves have started stealing the right side of a pair of shoes from one store’s display and the left shoe from another store’s display. 
  2. In a world where men claim to take the high road… A US millionaire is suing his ex-wife because he was unaware of her extensive shoe collection (1200 pairs) at the time of their divorce, and he thinks that the shoes should have been part of their divorce settlement.
  3. In a world where it pays to be a cut above the rest…Ten Zimbabwean MP have been circumcised as part of a campaign to fight HIV/AIDS.
  4. In a world where many are dying of hunger… A Chinese football fan died after going 11 nights without sleep, as he tried to watch every one of the Euro 2012 games.
  5. In a world where heartless criminals terrorize the masses… A thief broke into a US church, stole $20 and left a note: “Forgive me. I need the money.”
  6. In a world where the dead walk among us… A Swedish woman received a partial refund from an airline after she was forced to sit near a man who’d died in flight.
  7. In a world where needs take precedence…Over 50% of German women say that they’d rather go without sex for a year than give up TV.  
  8. In a world where men are known for their wandering eyes…Sales numbers confirm that women are spending a fortune on lingerie and sexy underwear to get the attention of men who’ve been focused on the Euro 2012 games.
  9. In a world where we are what we eatThe Australian who named his snack “Nuckin Futs” is being allowed to proceed with distribution since no one complained about the product’s name being offensive.

10. In a world where terror reigns… A German homeowner called police to complain that a burglar was trying to break in with what sounded like a power drill. He claimed that the drill was so powerful that it was causing his kitchen tiles to shake. The ‘burglar with the power drill’ turned out to be a vibrator  – it had fallen off a shelf, turned itself on and was vibrating against a pipe. 

11. In a world where few understand the need to fight pollution…A 72-year-old US man pointed a gun at a neighbor who’d man farted outside his door.

12. In a world where some say size does not matter (Yes Kamla, it does)…A UK man had the fat removed from his love handles and injected into his penis to make it ‘thicker’.

13. In a world where mothers put everything on-the-line… A Chinese woman, aware that her baby had a high fever, spent a whole day chatting online without stopping to attend to the child. She found the child dead the next morning.

14. In a world where ‘Men In Black 3’ was just released…Over 65% of Americans believe that Obama is better suited than Mitt Romney to deal with an alien invasion.

Consider yourselves up to speed…

What a Wick: the last 7 days in 15 (16th to 22nd June 2012)

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What unpredictable weather! There was Thunder then Heat, and a flood of criticism concerning Miami Heat’s NBA championship reign is expected in the coming days.  Say what you want, LeBron wanted his ring and he got it. Who else got what they wanted? Huh?

 

  1. Got caught: In Kenya, a cheating husband checked into a hotel with his mistress and ran into his wife coming out of a room where she’d been getting it on with her boy-toy. The cheating pair fought in the hotel.
  2. Got it bad: A survey found that many iPhone owners would sooner give up sex than do without their device.
  3. Got laidback:Two UK pilots declared an emergency because they were too exhausted to land the plan. They landed using the autopilot function.
  4. Got carried away: A US woman crashed her car, left her three children in the vehicle and went off to eat ice cream (in the nude) at a drug store.
  5. Got a move on: A Chinese farmer walked his 5,000 ducks through busy traffic in search of food.
  6. Got offended: A US man is suing a company for what he considers discrimination during the recruitment process.  H e was asked,  “to identify every church he has attended over the past several years; where and when [he] was ‘saved’ and the circumstances that led up to it.”
  7. Got talent? The 450 lb US man suffering with a 100-pound scrotum has turned down the offers to have a $1 million corrective surgery performed for free. The man enjoys the ‘fame’ his condition has brought him; he’s having a ball!
  8. Got bogged down:A US woman was stuck to a toilet seat at Walmart for an hour before being rescued by paramedics; someone had placed Super Glue on the seat.
  9. Got a rise out of her: A UK mother mistook her son’s creative writing assignment for a suicide note. After reading the note, she hurried to her son’s room, convinced that he’d committed suicide.

10. Got back at her: In Sweden, a husband cut off his wife’s lower lip and ate it after she’d asked for a divorce. “He did it so that she would never be able to kiss again and said ‘I’ll get four years, but you’re getting a life sentence’.”

11. Got a fair shake: Prison staffs in a US state have challenged inmates to try to bypass the new locks; this is their way of testing the security of those locks. If prisoners manage to break the locks, they get free food. 

12. Got off on the wrong foot: An attendant at an Apple store in the US refused to sell an Ipad to an Iranian teen because of her nationality.  He explained, ‘I just can’t sell this to you. Our countries have bad relations.”

13. Got nothing on: In Europe, a supermarket promised the first 100 customers to shop in the nude a free basket of groceries. Approximately 250 showed up stark naked to take advantage of this offer.

14. Got it off her chest: In the US, a breastless cancer survivor reported that she’d been banned from swimming topless at her public pool.

15. Got a bit messy: A survey has found that birds are more likely to excrete on red cars, less likely to do so green ones.

 

Consider yourselves up to speed…